The Ethical Slut and Me

[tuneinturnon]

One thing I don't like about the Ethical Slut just came to light.

I was looking there for guidance, and they say, "just because your partner is bothered by something doesn't mean you're obligated to fix it."

No, I suppose in the most technical sense, you aren't obligated to fix it.

But if you love the person you're with, you want to be considerate of them, I'd think. You'd want to do what you can to not make them unhappy, and certainly not do things that actively make them unhappy, if it's within your power.

So sure, your partner needs to "own their shit", as we say. They shouldn't say "it's your fault that I feel bad!"

But they can say "I have a problem with this thing you're doing" and your response ought to be something along the lines of "let's see what we can work out so we're both comfortable with the outcome," not (as many would do) respond with "don't blame me for your problems!"

Comments

[gwydion]

Sometimes the compromise is, "You get to have a different play partner to do this thing I don't enjoy." Sometimes the compromise is, "We can do a similar thing that I don't mind as much" or some variation. I'm with you. It comes up a lot with trans people. "This thing you are doing is something most people like, but it sets off my dysphoria like whoa, so can we find something else we both like?" It comes up a lot with certain kinds of kink. It can come up randomly because something is triggery or doesn't work with a particular person's anatomy or sensoria. It can be as small as "Having someone touching my balls gets too intense" to something as big as "Penetrative sex rally hurts me."

There are all sorts of reasons someone doesn't want to do something and there are all sorts of solutions that can be negotiated between people of good will. I think the decent thing to do is communicate and negotiate something that does work. Sometimes it's irreconcilable, and it ends up being a good reason to part friends, but best to talk things through first.