tuneinturnon | thinking aloud, so to speak

This is me reasoning through Boy Toy's email so I can reply thoughtfully and intelligently.

You asked “is it possible for us to have the kind of arrangement I need?” I am pretty sure the answer to this is “yes”.

I know he only says this to get into my pants. But my pants are a damn fun place to be, as are his. I'm taking it into account, though.

What I said I need was that I'd promise to tell him when I'm free in case he is and if he hears nothing then assume I'm not free, but I don't want him to tell me when he's free in case I am. That makes me feel pressured, makes me feel crappy that I can't go play (because I can't afford the gas across town, because I'm too busy, or whatever other reasons I have). I'd rather he assume I'm not free than pester me with (what seems like constant) schedule updates.

When he did exactly what I asked him not to (trying to pass it off as a joke) and I got annoyed and called him on it, he got snippy with me and I told him to piss off.

Add in that communication with him can be unclear and thus frustrating.

So everything here that sounds like reason is really just him trying to make sure he doesn't cut off his source. I don't like feeling manipulated.

I like that we have a friendliness that is above and beyond the bedroom. Several times, you have asked me to get on IM when you are bored at work. I also like that we know each other’s lives well enough to be able to chat about what’s going on in them.

It is my opinion that our “chatter” is more than just chatter, though. We have a friendship from which we derive support from each other. I particularly like and value that. Although if you wanted that to decrease, I could handle it. If you want to keep this strictly about the sex and orgasms, I could be fine with that as well. The sex is freaking fantastic, so that’s a powerful draw.

I like that we have things to talk about, also. In fact, I've accused us of talking TOO much when we get together in recent months since our most recent, um, 'reconciliation' - too much talking, not enough fucking. Since my time is limited, I want to cram as much bang in for my buck, so to speak. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to call our relationship a "friendship", mainly because I prefer friends who don't piss me off so much. I can't say most of my friends don't piss me off a bit, though.

So in this “larger sense” I just need you to tell me what you are looking for so that I can then consider it (and probably agree to it) and then act accordingly.

Once we have the larger sense down, then I can act accordingly, and if that means “don’t bug you with any emails about scheduling” then fine.

Ok. So, what am I looking for? I'm looking for an arrangement that makes absolutely no demands on me except that I show up, probably be sociable, have great sex and relax, then go back to my real life. :) I predict that him saying that's fine will mean that in a few weeks he'll go back to sending me those emails, but if I want the good parts of the arrangement to continue, I'll just have to ignore them.

You have said that “I don’t do spontaneous.” You didn’t mean that in a “never say never” kind of way, but “spontaneous” events are few and far between. And I’m perfectly fine with that. You have a much busier and restrictive life than I do these days, and spontaneous doesn’t mesh well with that.

At which point I would just say that if we aren’t going to be spontaneous, then that means we need to schedule. And to coordinate schedules requires, well, coordination.

I’m not comfortable with me just waiting until you suggest a date, and then I can say “yay or nay”. That was your last request. And I’m not saying a complete “no” to it, I’m just asking for a little more coordination than that. But I realize that I can’t just send you a list of dates, that causes you to feel pressured. And it certainly doesn’t help if I repeat myself in suggesting the same date in successive emails. That, in a word, sucks.

Not just "don't suggest the same day in multiple emails" but "you're not paying enough attention to my responses and don't seem to have enough blood going to your head to realize that I WORK in the afternoons, unlike your unemployed ass, so I can't just get together on a Thursday afternoon - if I say I'm free Thursday, that means Thursday night after work. So now I have to make extra effort to manage around your stupidity. Frankly, I do enough of that all day every day, I don't need to add more of it.

However, if I stick to my strategy (which I'm not telling Boy Toy about) of ignoring his messages, I won't be exposed to as much stupid and won't be beating my head against a wall to explain things. I just won't respond at all. That will suit me just fine!

I hope I have identified what pressures you in a way that makes you feel as if I understand your position. Have I?

Since you can't make yourself smarter, I suppose it'd be rude of me to point out the stupid. So I'll keep that part to myself. :)

Here is a thing that I get a little discombobulated on: “schedule” is not the same thing as “regular.” However, when I talk about us having an ongoing thing and us trying to schedule it, I lean towards a sense of “regular.” As in “every Tuesday”. Or at least “every week.”

Which we never actually got to doing, because shit got in the way. LIFE got in the way. But we can set that up.

Anyone see anything blatant that I'm missing here?