tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
[personal profile] tuneinturnon
Other poly folk: Do you have any activities that you & your primary keep 'sacred' with each other and agree not to do with other partners? Is that a good idea? a bad idea? neither? does it totally depend on what the activity is?

In theory, it seems like a good idea. Strengthens your bond in your relationship to have things you share like that, and so on.

In practice, I know that my primary and I have occasionally intentionally or accidentally violated explicit or tacit agreements - which is something we work on when it happens. I have, in fact, broken rules and agreements we set between us before totally inadvertently because I completely forgot that we said we would or would not do X or Y. I feel like a right ass because of it, but it's due to a combination of a mental illness I have and the medications I take for it causing memory lapses.

I remember a conversation a while ago with J about something specific where we said "maybe we should have [this] just be something we don't do with other people" and I also remember a conversation where we said "sure, that seems like a good idea, but that agreement may in some cases make it seem like a restriction or restraint on us doing what we want, so maybe we shouldn't try to set a limit on [this]." Of course, neither of us recall the resolution to that conversation. Maybe there wasn't one.

I wrong a very long post here and it provoked a lot of thought in me, but none of it made as much sense or was as concise as what I wrote above, so I'm cutting this off here and I'll let the elaboration and discussion happen in the comments. ETA: I just noticed I had it set so only registered users could comment, so if the Twitterfolk want to comment, you can now, sorry about that!!!

Date: 2012-04-28 05:05 am (UTC)
gwydion: (Default)
From: [personal profile] gwydion
Other poly folk: Do you have any activities that you & your primary keep 'sacred' with each other and agree not to do with other partners? Is that a good idea? a bad idea? neither? does it totally depend on what the activity is?

It's case by case. I've had partnerships where the rule was "Only if we're both in the room." I've had other ones where it's I have several seperate full relationships going at once with no primary. I've had ones with a primary and limits. My feeling is, if it's mutually agreed rule set that 's fair, that's okay. I get the thing where the rule is you cn oly have sex with a different sex than your primary, or a rule like only for acts the other person isn't into. It gets messier with more specific stuff, like no kissing on the mouth. My rule of thumb is 1. Don't agree to anything you don't think you can keep to in the heat of the moment. 2. If you aren't sure if it's okay, don't do it this time and ask later to see what they think. 3. I it's too complicated to follow in good faith, negotiate it to something simpler, like habnds and mouth only.

Look, if you are having trouble, maybe you should sit down together and actually write out the agreement. I find it can really clarify things. I don't always do it, especially when the rules are simple, but in more complex arrangements, having to clearly state rules in words really helps to fix things in both people's minds and cuts down on the thing where you think you resolved something and didn't or there's alternate interpretations. It can't hurt, right?

Date: 2012-04-28 07:14 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You're absolutely right about writing it down leaving no doubt what we agreed to. I'd never thought of it that way, but obviously that would be helpful to me. I could even take a copy of the rules with me on my phone or something. Thanks for the suggestion!

As to your 3 steps/ideas, again, excellent as vice. In this particular case, hell I'll be blunt because it may help, the question is if anal sex. Neither of us are crazy about it but he's done it more than I, though I like ass play just not penetration.*. But I suspect if his new gf asked/begged/etc. in bed for Jim to fuck her in the ass, he'd have a tough time saying no just because he & I decided that something we've only ever done once and wouldnt do often is off-limits. (usually that'd be all the more reason TO do it, because we don't.) And if she was offering to fuck him with a strap-on, which we don't have, I'm not sure he'd stop and say "no, my ass is only for valancy." More to the point, I'm not sure he should. But I can envision giving it some thought, then writing down that all or certain sex acts involving the ass are only to be shared between him & me. If it comes up s lot, we can revisit it & revise.

Thanks awfully for the helpful insight!

* I got an email from a lover this week asking about my stance on anal sex & I said "don't do it, that's only for me and J" and he replied saying "you seem to think that when I said 'anal sex' I meant 'anal intercourse.' ... ??? I thought 'well duh! What else would it mean?' I still don't know what else he meant, what else would be called anal sex, but he meant something.

Date: 2012-04-28 12:06 pm (UTC)
gwydion: Vlad and Niran kissing (Kiss)
From: [personal profile] gwydion
I'm glad I could help. I've been doing it a long time and have tried most configurations.

Re ass fucking. It's really a matter of what works best for both of you. It's perfectly reasonable to take something off the table for a while with an option to revisit later. Nothing needs to be set in stone. Sometimes things people think they are okay with turn out not to be; sometimes things people think they aren't okay with turn out to be just fine. Keep communication open and honest and there's always more options to renegotiate. Remember also that sometimes there can be honest mistakes. Written rules should cut that way down, but it can happen.

He might have meant fingers, tongues, or toys. It's still sex and can be penetration, but may not be intercourse as he's imagining it. See what I mean about clarifying terms? I got in trouble that way once. (Not with anal, but with two definitions of playing safe. Don't worry, no one caught anything). anyway, good luck nd have lots nand lots of fun.


tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)

January 2015


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