polyamorous pornographic priestess

I was gone a while.

Wed, 25 Jul 2018 04:41:40 GMT

A few years ago, I was living with J and Plaything, and it was a bit rocky, then suddenly, I was given a house, so J & I moved out of the joint apartment into the house. Left Plaything in a bit of a lurch but we couldn't move her to the new house.

After a while,J & I broke up, were FWB, kinda got back together and are now comets. Feel free to ask me about any. Of those terms or polyamory in general.

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Hell yeah

Mon, 26 Jan 2015 02:15:22 GMT

Pittsburgh mayor billpeduto: Snow Plow Tracker activated at 3PM, 2 Heavy Equip Mechanics on duty at midnight, First Vehicle opening garage at 2AM - be safe out there!

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This is how to be a heartbreaker (not)

Sun, 13 Oct 2013 09:47:28 GMT

I gotta guy I started seeing a couple months back. We don't see each other much because of work schedules & family requirements. But that was fine by me. I didn't want anything serious.

I have to tell him I don't want to see him anymore. I pussied out the other day because he's truly a nice guy but suffered from some traits a few "nice guys" I'vemnet have that bug the shit out of me, & despite saying to him that these are a problem for me, he can't quit. And I don't want to feel like a nag reminding him all the time. I think it's time to call it.

I'm sure many women would LOVE a guy who does nothing but agree with her & never expresses his own opinion except in the form of a question followed by "is that all right with you?" I've told him I need a guy who has preferences and opinions, but he just doesn't seem capable of expressing those. They'd probably think he's being considerate.

With me, it irks me no end. I hate doing all the decision-making. Even something as basic as where to eat frustrates me. I told him on our first date I need a guy with opinions, not someone who's gonna put all the decision making on me. No use.

Then there's sex. I met him online, & he answered a whole bunch of questions about his sex life. One thing said he's a dom. I definitely do not see that. Another said after a break-up he "went in a spree," shall we say. When asked, he told me he's had 6 lovers. This info doesn't jive. I've tried to addresses these inconsistencies & he dodges the questions or doesn't answer my emails about that.

After our first date, he texted me all the time. Many times a day. Good morning, how's your day, and so on. I frankly wasn't looking for something with that level of involvement. He knew I wanted a fuck buddy I could talk to during downtime [so we needed to be able to chat] & that was it. Some would say they're only text messages, but I consider phone calls & texts generally to be intrusions. I'm not available to anyone 24/7 except family.

Since I didn't see an easy way out without possibly hurting his feelings, I'd answer or sometimes not get to answering for a while. It boils down to "you were thinking of me, but I wasn't thinking of you, I was going about my daily life & you're inserting yourself into it." I don't know a way to say "I don't think of you" without it sounding insulting, so I let it go.

There are also some things he does in bed, whether they're d habits or personal preferences, that make me want to throttle him, & not in a good way. I've told him what I prefer, I've reminded him nicely when he's forgotten. I've tried going with the flow and seeing if I could find a way for these things to just not bug me, but "that tickles, I like being stroked like this instead" isn't exactly rocket science.

Usually with me it's "3 strikes & you're out" - if I've asked a partner to do or nit do something & by the end of our third (different day) session he can't manage it, I say "ciao, it's been fun." How long do you give a new lover to catch on? (Subs & salves not really included since they do your bidding.)

What do I do? Normally I take the honest approach, but I'm sure telling he annoys me would likely make him swear he'd change & I'd feel worse saying I'm not giving him that opportunity.

Advice?

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odds and ends

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 04:32:30 GMT

- Got email from K (see a couple entries ago) asking if I'd be interested in seeing him ever again. How long ago was that post, and it took him this long to contact me? No, I'm not doing this shit.
- Starting my period so today's the last day I can sleep panties-free for a week. Ugh. Plus for no reason at all, when I bent, my right boob was suddenly in great pain. What'd I ever to do you, huh? Knock that shit off!

- There's a guy I have been trying to go out with for nearly 2 months now. He had a recurrence of colon cancer right when we were finally going to meet and was out of commission for at least a month. We were going to get together tomorrow but he had to cancel, doc wants to do colonoscopy Wednesday so he's got to drink the icky stuff and so on Tuesday. He likes to talk on the phone, which I hate, and when I begged off talking on the phone, he seemed really put out by it. When I asked if he was put out he said no, but I've just gotten the impression over time that he only wants to talk to me on the phone - and it's never sexy talk, it's not like phone sex or anything, it's just conversation (only he does most of the talking, another reason I'm not really into it) - and that's just not going to work for me. We've tentatively rescheduled for next week after my period is done.

- In the meantime, I'm not waiting for him. I'm making other plans with a perfectly nice fellow who has been more than patient, more than happy to wait and get together whenever. The antithesis of how most guys are. This fellow and I had to cancel our first meetup a couple times so we skyped instead & talked for a couple of hours, and we text occasionally. I look forward to meeting him in person. I am a bit worried based on something he said that I forget now that he might have exaggerated his actual experience with women (he's kind of a nerd, geek, what have you), so we'll see how it goes.

- Home front has been pretty quiet. Mostly all I do is work or try to forget about work. I'm trying to read more lately, nothing sexy though, just regular books.

That's all I can think of right now. I figured it was time for an update, though. Ciao!

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vocabulary lesson

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 04:42:35 GMT

First, just a warning - I put no hyperlinks in this post. Anything that's a link is an ad.

J recently saw an ad in the "Casual Encounters" area of Craigslist. For those unfamiliar, Casual Encounters is generally for people who are looking for NSA sexual encounters, not relationships. There are separate areas for relationships.

This ad was from a triad - specifically from a couple who recently expanded to a triad and "are looking for the right couple or group to introduce our new girl to the lifestyle." J asked if I was interested.
The ad was full of contradictions to me. A triad generally indicates to me & J, anyway, that they're polyamorous.

"Lifestyle" is generally used for swinging or even BDSM, in my experience. I haven't heard it so much for people who are polyamorous.
But when they say "our" "girl", it makes me think of maybe a D/S daddy-dynamic, potentially. So I wanted to clear up what they meant. Turns out that was very difficult.
I got in communication with the person writing the ad, the man of the couple as was. Dude was using a lot of words I don't think he knew the meanings of.

Dude: "We are just a bf/gf/gf. New gf hasn't swung yet."
Me: "so you meant swinging? that's all?" [he'd already identified them as poly. not that they can't be poly swingers like we are, but they're not interchangeable terms, and it sounded like he thinks they are.]
Dude: "yes, swinging."

All right, I figure swinging = people who are not in an emotional/romantic relationship but who have sex, maybe sex with a side of friendship. Then, he continues.

Dude: "New gf wanted more people to embrace us."

So now I'm confused.

Me: "do you mean sex? That's what I thought your ad meant. But if you just want to socialize..."
Dude: "Sex. We want both. [NameOmitted] wants it all. She just wants affection from as many as possible."
Me: "You think you can generate affection via sex via a Craigslist ad? You can generate attention and hopefully orgasms but not necessarily affection."
Dude: "No, we think that in the one in a million chance we met a poly couple, we found you two"

Hold on, now. We haven't even met in person. Don't be giving me all this "you're one in a million" nonsense. I hate fake flattery. That plus the confusing terminology is starting to get on my nerves.
Second, he doesn't seem to know there are other poly people around. There are LOTS of poly people around, he just hasn't figured out how to meet them, apparently. I suggested a few ways they could meet folks.

Dude: "oh well i guess people that just want to fuck is all we will find on cl. Sorry for being excited that we found a couple that would understand a group that could all just be!!!"

I'm thinking oh well, I guess when you put your ad in the Casual Encounters section of CL, then yes, you DO only get people who want to fuck, because that's why they are there! They aren't there to find true love, and they sure as hell aren't there to find "a group that can all just be" [which apparently includes sex/polyamory/swinging but also other levels of involvement that were unclear to me - though not BDSM, we did at least square that].

But I'm still nice to him. I suggest maybe he cross-post his ad or move it, I repeat what I said about other ways they can meet poly people.

Dude: "so u done with us? u just wanted sex?"

I hate to say "yes, we just wanted sex" - it sounds cold-hearted. But it's 100% true. When we're swinging, yes, it's pretty much all about the sex.

Another thing that's 100% true is that J & I don't want to be in a relationship together with others, that's just not how we roll when we're practicing polyamory. As a couple, we don't want communal partners; I have enough trouble with one at a time, I sure as hell don't want the complications that arise from being 3 in a relationship.

So that's what I said, that we're not looking to get involved with a group. If someone wants me "showering affection" on her - and hell, who wouldn't want to have affection showered on them? - that's "involved," in my book. Dude seems to have gone away now.

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the amazing disappearing man!

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 23:30:09 GMT

There's this guy I'll call "K". He took me to dinner once. He seemed like a nice guy. He asked me to go out again. Heck, he asked if he could kiss me good night.

But he refused to tell me anything about where he lived or his home life, saying that he lived with his brother and didn't want to have to explain a FWB relationship to him. I thought this sounded fishy and told him so. I said if he wasn't willing to let me see that he doesn't have a wife or gf at home, we were done talking.

K would send me a text every few months or so, asking how I was and if we could go out, and I'd always turn him down saying "do you still 'live with your brother?' [answer=yes] then no, we're not going out."

Last time we chatted on text, he got all up in arms about how I didn't trust him and it was for no good reason. I said I couldn't trust him when I knew nothing about him except this suspicious behavior. So he gave me his name and I did a little Internet searching. Found out some things he might not rather I know (like his mother owns the house he's living in, and he does in fact live with his brother, of which he has two, one may be a twin - same age as him - and where he went to high school and all kinds of stuff). I said "ok, now you've extended me some reason to trust you, you have my trust." And then he vanished again, proceeded not to contact me or answer my attempts to contact him for a couple weeks, at which point I wrote him off again.

He popped back up today. I called him on his disappearing act. He had a couple reasons. He apologized for not answering my messages but said he was being sexually harassed at work and after that all got resolved, he went "invisible" for a while. A woman was snooping in his email & reading his texts (of course, he was a moron and used a work phone for his sexy chats with The Ladies) & he was afraid 'his world was going crash down'. The woman who was harassing him was a client, and when he reported it, his company lost their business with the client and he was afraid he was going to lose his job.

And to further explain his radio silence, he said he did get into a relationship with a woman but she ended up being married, her husband found out and called him on it, and she wanted to continue their relationship but he said no.

I can actually totally believe the affair, because I'm almost positive (in hindsight) that at least one of the guys I went out with before I met J was cheating. I didn't get a call from his wife or anything, but he stopped seeing me the moment it came to "we have to go to your house because I'm gonna have this new roommate" (J). If the affair & its disappointment had been the only story, I'd get that. If the harassment had been the only story, I'd find it a bit out there, but I could understand that too. But both of them? I find I'm still inclined to suspect him. He said he'd been harassed and I didn't think "oh, how awful!" I thought "yeah, right." I feel like a bad person.

Am I wrong to be suspicious?

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small world syndrome to the rescue?

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 15:42:34 GMT

I tried to tweet this but Twitter is being a little bitch this morning for me (from work).

Small world syndrome is working in my favor, for a change!

I met a new guy online, M. He told me about another partner of his who is poly and kinky, and I thought he might be seeing the woman I referenced back this spring as "New Girl" just from the way he described her. But I only just met him, so I wasn't going to get into all that.

J hasn't seen New Girl in ages, said they haven't seen each other because they're too busy, but she hasn't been too busy to start seeing 2 others guys, so I didn't think that was quite the whole reason.

But we got deeper into discussion, talking about exes and our past tragedies and more in-depth. It was really quite a unique conversation. I asked if he always gets this in-depth with people he's just met and he was like "hell no!" I felt flattered a bit. :) So anyway, we got to talking about sex life and poly, he mentioned he was interested in an MMF and that he was pretty sure the other woman he sees would be pleased to have a threesome with me and him, and it became clear that the other woman he's seeing is in fact New Girl. I said "her name wouldn't be New Girl? Username-on-site?" and he was like "yeah!" I said "J went out with her, and we all had a threesome once" and he's like "I've heard about you guys!"

Now, this could be a bad moment. WHY had he heard about us? I said "do me a favor - tell me what you heard, and please be honest. I was weird when I met her [I explained the reasons later] and I'm afraid I scared her off." He said no, she'd just mentioned this engaged guy and she'd seen him a couple times and had a threesome with his fiancee who didn't seem that into it. I told him it was too bad I made that impression, but I would totally have another threesome with her. I do think that if I had one with her and J wasn't included he might feel left out, so I'm mindful of that. It's not like he'd be unavailable... he's free almost all the time.

M asked if I wanted him to mention my conversation with him about New Girl and J with New Girl when he spoke with her and I said sure, why not. I also told J how she'd mentioned him (and me) to M and she really fancies him, since she liked him enough to mention him to this guy she's seen once.

Lo and behold, New Girl texted J yesterday and they're seeing each other today! J came home horny and down to fuck last night and fucked me well (even though I was needed to be asleep, since I had the early shift today), he had weird sexy dreams all night and was nice and hard when I woke up (sadly, I didn't have a chance to take advantage of it, I was in a rush because of the early shift).

The sex last night was a bit odd because J started climbing all over me while I was telling him about my discussions with M and he wanted me to keep telling him about M, which I found distracting. I wasn't planning to think about M while we were having sex, let alone have coherent conversation, which requires I change my focus from what he's doing to my physical form while my brain does the work. I'd rather have just had the sex, then the talking.

So anyhow, I feel like I've done a good deed by getting them back to seeing each other again, or at least back on each others' radars. J was wasting time on someone for a while that was making him unavailable but he's not doing that any more, and I hope they have a rip roaring good time today. :D

I told J that I'd be meeting M tonight and he asked this morning what we're doing. I said I had no idea but I was pretty sure there would be sex. He expressed some surprise and said "you're that into him already?" I said "yes. and plus, I'm working from a deficit, I'm trying to make up for that." And he sounds like he's going to be LOTS of fun!

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Geometry

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 12:34:15 GMT

I'm reading the book "slow sex" and I've come across a physical position that seems impossible. I wonder what I'm missing. maybe you can help me out.

This isn't a position for sex per se; it is a position in which the man and touch and please his partner.

The way it is described, the woman is laying back with her legs spread open and pillows under her knees.

The man is described as sitting on her left with his left leg over her belly and his right leg under her knees.

I don't understand how he can do that if he is sitting upright - his legs would have to be crossed and spread far apart, wouldn't they? Maybe he is facing the mattress? But then he cannot access the part of her body they're wanting him to access with his hands.

What am I missing?

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Notes from the chat with the metamour

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 18:51:08 GMT

I'd asked for the metamour's email address. D had been a little worried but hadn't asked why I wanted it, he just gave it to me - a straight answer for once! :) I only wanted to get the password for their WiFi, which he didn't know, but he admitted later he'd been worried. If it'd been J, he wouldn't have left me alone until he knew. I'm glad D wasn't like that.

She offered to be a translator so I can understand her husband. :) I said that'd be great, but she's usually not around when we're talking. She said, which I knew, "I do know he likes you a lot, but has been trying to figure you out too, so I think it's just that you're using two different means of communication..." I agree. He says he likes me a lot - I'm not sure how well he actually knows me, but it's entirely possible that since I answer his questions, maybe he knows me better than I know him. :P

She and I also took a while to talk about her favorite hobby, something D and J and I used to be involved in but we haven't been involved for a while. D and I are really not interested in talking about it. J knows some of the same people the metamour does, so they had a nice chat about that which left D and I out completely. But hey, if this makes her feel more comfortable talking to me since we actually have something to talk about, I can talk about it for a little while. She said she's been "gently encouraging" D to get involved in the hobby again. I think she should stop; he's told me he has no interest in going, he doesn't want to deal with all the new people she wants him to meet, and I don't think she should try to make him. But she really does seem to have his best interests at heart in at least one respect, she isn't just doing it out of selfish reasons. I just left it alone because it's not my place to butt in.

( Things I learned from the metamour )

She and I are going to chat again, get better acquainted. Maybe she can be a translator, if she likes. Normally I'd say "you butt out of my shit and I'll butt out of yours" but what could it hurt if his wife likes me? As long as it isn't TOO much... ;)

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meeting minutes

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 17:14:49 GMT

Past business: the Day of Debauchery had to be rescheduled due to unexpected results on the STD test. J had an infection which left us both with a week of antibiotics and two weeks of abstention. What a waste of a four-day weekend!

Current business: I'm getting in an interesting chat with a potential metamour about how to communicate with her husband, the guy I've been seeing. I'm very blunt and straightforward. I have trouble with his communication style, which is neither of those things. I find it frustrating when I ask him a question and want an answer and what I get is a non-answer, whether that's because he's just being really vague or decides that's the perfect time to make a joke. I don't think that this is something that's likely to change. He's said that's just who he is, he's the guy who makes a joke first instead of answering the question. But it makes it really hard for me to get to know somebody if I can't find out actual information!

I don't want to be frustrated with him. He's a nice guy, and we get along well in some respects [not just when we're naked]. But after being with J so long, I'm really not used to being with someone who is so frustrating because we don't click the same way that J and I do. J and I are like two sides of a zipper and when we're pulled together, we make a great whole. We're very companionable.

Sure, he can be annoying. Last night as we were going to sleep, I thought of something funny and laughed, and as usual, he wouldn't rest until I'd explained the entire backstory to him. The thought process was "what if Ben Affleck had been in 'Rent'? --> I dont' even know if he can sing --> remember Jimmy Kimmel presenting Affleck as his mantoy in a tight shirt? that was funny --> laugh out loud." But J never heard of the whole Sarah Silverman f**@#ing Matt Damon vid from back when she was with Jimmy Kimmel + Jimmy Kimmel's rebuttal so I had to explain ALL That to him for him to understand why I chuckled.

With the new fellow, D, maybe his wife can give me a little advice to getting the kinds of answers from him I want. Or just how to cope with not getting the answers at all. Hm.

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Day of Debauchery

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 23:33:59 GMT

J and I decided that Friday should be a Day of Debauchery. We need to get a little down and dirty. The most debauched things we can think of, we'll just spend all day in bed doing them. There are a couple other things on our To Do list - get tested for STDs and purchase a particular toy that I'm hoping will make the day much more fun.

Assignment before then is - think of debauched things to do Friday. The thing is, I'm actually having trouble thinking up things debauched enough to do. As soon as we said debauchery, my mind went to things we both think are disgusting (santorum, for example). That won't play.

Bearing in mind that we're not into scat/golden showers, blood play, humiliation or pain but are into some (what most people would call "light") bondage, I'm stuck trying to think of what we could do. It's going to be totally counter to the purpose of the day for us to play with someone else, since we'd spend the whole day trying to find someone else to play with instead of actually playing ourselves.

Ideas? Suggestions? Anonymous commenting is on. :)

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lessons come from interesting places.

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:18:58 GMT

I'm listening to a book that I thought would help me at work and maybe help me have a more positive attitude about life. (Yes, I love self-help books. *hangs head in mock shame*) Now that I'm an hour into it, I'm finding that the meat of it may actually help me with a poly problem I've been having.

I have had a negative reaction to seeing J engage in PDA with other women. The exception was Plaything, a woman we were both sleeping with. I was amazed that it wasn't bothering me at all when she'd hug and kiss him (and vice versa) in front of me and that I was able to be happy for him. I'd hoped that me not being bothered by her was a sign that I was over it, but apparently I'm not.

The other night when J's new *[see below] was over and she got close to him, and I was bothered by it. My response was to leave. I didn't want to make her feel awkward when it's my problem. Since he & I communicate and care about one another, once she'd left, I told him I was bothered by it. He said he'd suspected as much.

I said to him "given that this has bothered me again and again, as much as I hate to ask, please do not be physically affectionate with your partners in front of me and please ask them to refrain too." He said he would.

But he also said I'd better get used to it since I'm going to be around sometimes when things like that happen. That didn't really go with saying he would refrain, but I could see his point.

This book I'm listening to is about how you can choose how you respond to situations - you can step back from yourself, observe it, see if you feel the same way when you see it objectively, and decide what you want to do. You can ask yourself questions to encourage your mind to get out of negative mode, questions like "what are the other people in this situation thinking, feeling and wanting? what are my choices? what's best to do now? what's possible?"

I'm not saying these are a guarantee to get me over my discomfort, but it's worth a shot. I can certainly ask - I'd be curious what he'd have to say, at least, about what he's thinking, feeling and wanting in a situation like that. What does anyone think when they put their arm around someone? What are my choices, besides (a) put up and shut up or (b) leave the environment? What is the best choice I can make at that moment? [For example, I think choosing not to ask them to stop just because I felt weird was a good choice. If we'd been in the middle of doing something where I had to stay, like if we were mid-meal, then I think I would have said something to them about it at the time... It's depending on circumstances.] It's possible, and reasonable, to ask for their consideration and respect; it would not be possible or reasonable to try to "make" them stop doing what I don't like.

* I don't know what to call his partner because they have only just recently met. They clearly intend to keep seeing one another, at least as far as I know. I wouldn't say they're involved enough to be "dating", certainly not enough that she's his "girlfriend" or "secondary". I suppose I could just call her his "lover," that's true enough, but it falls a bit flat. I lack vocabulary. What would you call someone like that? Am I ascribing too much import to "dating" or "seeing someone" - would that really be the most appropriate term?

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I'm not a crusader. Much.

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 18:06:54 GMT

I wanted to clarify: I'm not trying to make everyone in the world realize that non-monogamy is the natural order of things or anything like that.

Polyamory isn't the answer for everyone. Monogamy and asexuality and other models are perfectly valid options.

I'd just like people who are monogamous to have chosen monogamy because they've actually put some thought into it and not just because monogamy is the default.

Untold thousands of spouses cheat on their partners, so why not actually examine if you want to be monogamous if not, choose to be ethically non-monogamous?

Maybe I am a crusader, for a greater quantity of ethical behavior in the world, generally speaking.

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The Ethical Slut and Me

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 02:41:58 GMT

One thing I don't like about the Ethical Slut just came to light.

I was looking there for guidance, and they say, "just because your partner is bothered by something doesn't mean you're obligated to fix it."

No, I suppose in the most technical sense, you aren't obligated to fix it.

But if you love the person you're with, you want to be considerate of them, I'd think. You'd want to do what you can to not make them unhappy, and certainly not do things that actively make them unhappy, if it's within your power.

So sure, your partner needs to "own their shit", as we say. They shouldn't say "it's your fault that I feel bad!"

But they can say "I have a problem with this thing you're doing" and your response ought to be something along the lines of "let's see what we can work out so we're both comfortable with the outcome," not (as many would do) respond with "don't blame me for your problems!"

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and now for something completely different

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 18:13:27 GMT

OK, not completely different, but not about polyamory, exactly.

There's a thing in the news this week lately about Robert Pattinson (age 26) and Kristen Stewart (age 22) breaking up because she cheated on him. If you don't know, they're actors in some popular films. She did a different movie and slept with the director, Rupert Saunders (age 41), a married man with two children.

I'm finding it a fascinating study on how cheating is viewed in our society. ( I have some remarks )

Discuss. :)

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polyamory: the good, the bad, and the crazy

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 00:05:01 GMT

J wanted to write a writing exercise with me, to see if we can write together. I have no aspirations to be an author, but I certainly write, as you good readers know. So he set as our topic "Polyamory: the good, the bad and the crazy" - he actually had the name of someone we know as the third element but I changed it to "crazy" to make it more anonymous.

This could be a very very long essay, and it'll probably be broken up into bits and pieces, which professionals would probably call "installments." :) I gave a sort of talk last month - I was on a panel where polyamory came up and I had some really interesting reailzations about what I believe and why I'm poly and so on. I've been halfheartedly re-reading "The Ethical Slut", since I have it as an ebook and I can read ebooks at work on my phone without being obvious but I can't bring in "Opening Up" or "Love Unlimited" without people saying "you're not supposed to be reading a book, what are you doing?" What I wouldn't give to have "Opening Up" as an audiobook! Anyway... someone I've just started seeing is reading it for the first time (I think) so I was looking it over again, and so much of what the book says mirrors what I was saying last month but I never realized it at the time.
( Read more... )
I see my bad outweighs my crazy and my good by a lot here, so I need to work on the good and the crazy parts more. Out of time for now, though.

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The denoument

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 08:05:16 GMT

Those following me on Twitter tonight watched me have a tough time at a social event. I was feeling insecure because, well, I just do sometimes. I'm an introvert, I have to make a great deal of effort to interact with people at social events in general, and I realized in the long deconstruction of it after J and I got home that nobody else at this thing is making an effort to get to know me, like even asking me what I do for a living or anything. While J says they're perfectly nice people who I'd have a lot to talk about with, I'm doing ALL the work when trying to make conversation with people. Nobody seems to want to get to know me. So that makes me feels uninteresting and worse about myself.

Then there was a situation where there were a couple women there who J was interested in or had crushes on (or just thought he had a shot with and was attracted to, I'm not even entirely certain). ( detail of how things went badly for me )

So now we get to the lessons learned. I was very clear with him when I said "what are we going to do to make sure this doesn't end up happening again? I don't want to end up angry and hurt, and you don't want me to either." to which he readily agreed.

I said "give me a heads up if you're going into this kind of conversation", since I didn't have a clue either time he did it this weekend and got an unpleasant shock at least once.

I said that I'm going to change my expectations of these events. When J and I go to a swinger's party, I expect that we might get laid, either separately or together, and if someone wants to take him off by himself, I can figure out how to make my own fun. So it's probably best for me to assume that from the moment we walk in, either of us might be getting propositioned or in sexual situations at any time so I'll consider myself pre-warned. I'm going to make my best effort at it.

Lastly, we established that, to quote C.J. Cregg from "The West Wing", "Before, now, in the future, anytime you’re into something and you don’t know what. And you can’t tell me that you thought there was nothing to it.... Anytime you’re into something and you don’t know what, you don’t keep it from me. I’m your first phone call." In other words, what I want to see in future similar situations is that he enters the room, he makes a beeline to me as quickly as reasonably possible, he interrupts what I'm doing and asks if he can have a word away from everyone else, and he lets me know what just happened so I'm not caught completely off guard. Because I really hated being surprised by this news tonight, but more importantly, I really hated not hearing it from him.

And I've just thought of something else - I fear this is totally going to fan the flames of my "I wanna have a crush on someone!" longing. Bah.

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relationshippy books & things

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 06:42:15 GMT

I was inspired by one of my partners who has developed an interest in exploring his bi-curiosity to revisit a book that I swear I own but if I do still have it, it's in a box and I can't find it - Lou Paget's awesome "How to Be a Great Lover". I believe this is the book that taught me how to give a great hand job and also that the 2 o'clock spot is the most sensitive on a woman's clit. I might be wrong about those recollections, but anyway, I duly hopped on my local library website to request Lou Paget for my lover. While I was on there, I started investigating books on male orgasm and male sexual behavior and requesting other books I thought my lover might be interested in - the joys of gay sex and the like, things that wouldn't pertain to me at all. I then branched out and requested a book called "Light Her Fire" by Ellen Kreidman since I very much enjoyed the one for the women readers, which is called "Light His Fire" - this is a relationship book, not a sex book.

Then I stopped and realized that I was doing the work for him.

He can go look at books if he's interested. Or not, if he isn't. He doesn't need me feeding him all this stuff. I went back and cancelled half the requests I'd made. I kept the one on Lou's book, because it's a great book, and I kept things like "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner, which I could get something from as well, but anything that was mainly for him as a bi-curious/gay man, I cancelled those. If he wants to do research, he can do it. He doesn't need me to dump a pile of books he never asked for in his lap on the subject.

He never asked me to do that - I just did it. It's kind of bothering me that I did that, that I behaved that way by default. This is a far cry from teaching someone how to swim by throwing them in the deep end without any water wings on, but if I keep doing things like this, I'll grow to resent it and he'll grow to rely on it more, so I'll feel like I HAVE to as opposed to doing it because I WANTED to, which will make me feel unappreciated... it's a whole cycle. So it ends here.

And now, it's very late my time, I took half an Ambien ages ago and haven't fallen asleep yet so I really need to give it the old college try, as they say. Night.

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good news

Sat, 19 May 2012 04:12:04 GMT

I wanted to post good news and something not all about the angst, for once. :)

Went with New Girl and J to a swingers' pool party where everyone gets naked and many people do naughty things in the water, and there are other people to talk to and other areas of the house to go to and so on, and it was wonderful. For one thing, I kind of saw New Girl in her natural habitat, as it were - not just because she was nude, but she was just totally non-plussed about people laying hands on her or getting naked [I'd heard she was clothing-optional like we are, but I hadn't seen it in action]. That, in turn, made ME come out of my shell. At these things, I tend to be a wallflower, but seeing her enjoy herself made me want that for myself, too.

I got together with someone and had my first truly great sexual experience there, where I wasn't feeling pressured in any way to cum or feeling inadequate compared to anyone else (possibly because this was a 1-on-1 with someone, someone I'm definitely looking up next time I'm there :D). I can take a while to get off, and when we're in a 3- or 4-some and the other woman gets off if the wind blows in the right direction, I tend to get tense and feel completely angsty and inadequate and that makes orgasm totally impossible.

J was off doing his own thing, talking with other women and occasionally with New Girl, and I was just there doing my own thing, which is a first at this party for me, and we've been going about a year now, though not every month.

Then New Girl and J and I started getting frisky and he suggested we could just take it back home, so we did, and we had a marvelous threesome where, again, I got off without having to be the one with my hand on the vibrator - which is a rare treat for me. She got me off with the vibe.

I can get off without a vibe, and I MUCH prefer that, but I can't reach my pink parts any more because my tits and stomach are too big and my arms are too damn short. J's arthritic so he often has too much pain to try to get me off with his hand or by oral (jaw). I wish I could magic away J's arthritis, because even when he's playing with my clit, I know he's in pain, so I can't enjoy what he's doing because I feel guilty about the pain and I also feel like there's a clock ticking and if I don't get that orgasm in under before his hands cramp so badly he has to stop, I lose my chance. It's less than ideal.

My understanding is that New Girl, poor thing, has both his problems and my problems. She suffers from a great deal of pain - I don't know why, maybe fibromyalgia? - but also she can't get off without the jet airplane engine of vibes, the Hitachi Magic Wand. She didn't have it with her. So while I played with her, there was no pressure to get her off (although it would've been damn fun), and I knew about it in advance so I didn't feel inadequate because I hadn't managed to get her off. That was probably the best threesome J and I have had with anyone ever, which fucking rocks.

And now, I really must be getting to sleep. I'm working on a headache. I keep thinking I hear footsteps on the stairs which might be J coming home but probably aren't, though the roomie may have just come in. I've had a long week and have to work tomorrow and go to family stuff which I normally hate, then Sunday I also have to go to family stuff but some wonderful person has offered me a Reiki session pro bono since I'm just such a mess these days, and I'm really looking forward to that!

Hope you are all well!

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Mon, 30 Apr 2012 04:23:51 GMT

To deviate from the sex theme: I'm more miserable now than I was a year ago and it just gets worse daily. My 'friends' & family say they're surprised it took this long. I thought things would work our and I was wrong and short-sighted as usual. My "best friend" suggested I live alone so despite all the other stress I won't have the whe "my life pays for your life@ disparity bugging me, but he's a man who has never had a romantic partnership. Without J I'd be more miserable & lonely than I am now, especially because I'd have to cook & take sole care of the dog again. I think the good outweighs the bad most days. This was a pretty disappointing weekend personally, though.

J at least managed to stay awake long enough to console me until I stopped crying because it just doesn't seem worth the effort, & now he's snoring away. I will be soon too - I took Ambien along with extra Klonopin to deal with extra anxiety tomorrow. (J and the New Girl have a date while I'm at work.) so my eyes are barely open. I bid you adieu.

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read me!

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:31:56 GMT

note to self to go read this article. "The Strange Credibility of Polyamory" by pepomint
http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/2007/11/27/the-strange-credibility-of-polyamory/

A quote from Susie Bright and Tristan Taormino talking about it:
SB: why is it that swingers have always been, like, the double-wide trailer trash of the open relationship community but when you say "poly" it's like "yes, I've been to MIT, and I've come to this decision, and ...
TT: yes, and I'm enlightened. It's back to the "I'm enlightened, I'm educated, I'm incredibly articulate and thoughtful, you know, and I live on the West Coast". Not to stereotype or anything. ;)

Even though I identify as being polyamorous, I don't know many poly people. I don't really know how to meet them. Besides my fiance & not counting my ex-husband, I have a couple male acquaintances who is poly who I met IRL. Everyone else is still only an Acquaintance, definitely not a friend. But I hear about them, especially guys who say they're polyamorous only to use poly as a cover for some unconscionable behavior. Guys who are really in it just to get laid as much as possible without feeling any compunction to be accountable to any of their partners. Or the "poly" guy who thinks is perfectly fine for him to have, like, 8 girlfriends but no way are any of his girlfriends allowed to date other men. That's all bullshit. So I don't know if I identify with their definition of "polyamorous" people being all enlightened and articulate.

But I've been to swingers events and clubs, and I do still think of the swingers as largely in this type of category they said. The guys are, well, stereotypical GUYS. They are obsessed with sex, may have baseball bats between their legs, think they're God's gift to women. Maybe they hunt or drive big pick up trucks or muscle cars, but what I don't think of is "educated, erudite, good conversationalists."

Another good question from this interview: does sex define an intimate relationship? For me, definitely no. I can't say I've had a very intimate relationship with someone I haven't ever fucked, but I can say that I've had sex without it being any kind of relationship, it was strictly bodies enjoying one another. I'd like to get to the point where I can have an intimate relationship with someone I haven't slept with, I think that's a good goal, but I'm not going to freak out about sex.

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Poly questions and (un)common courtesy

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 22:10:37 GMT

Other poly folk: Do you have any activities that you & your primary keep 'sacred' with each other and agree not to do with other partners? Is that a good idea? a bad idea? neither? does it totally depend on what the activity is?

In theory, it seems like a good idea. Strengthens your bond in your relationship to have things you share like that, and so on.

In practice, I know that my primary and I have occasionally intentionally or accidentally violated explicit or tacit agreements - which is something we work on when it happens. I have, in fact, broken rules and agreements we set between us before totally inadvertently because I completely forgot that we said we would or would not do X or Y. I feel like a right ass because of it, but it's due to a combination of a mental illness I have and the medications I take for it causing memory lapses.

I remember a conversation a while ago with J about something specific where we said "maybe we should have [this] just be something we don't do with other people" and I also remember a conversation where we said "sure, that seems like a good idea, but that agreement may in some cases make it seem like a restriction or restraint on us doing what we want, so maybe we shouldn't try to set a limit on [this]." Of course, neither of us recall the resolution to that conversation. Maybe there wasn't one.

I wrong a very long post here and it provoked a lot of thought in me, but none of it made as much sense or was as concise as what I wrote above, so I'm cutting this off here and I'll let the elaboration and discussion happen in the comments. ETA: I just noticed I had it set so only registered users could comment, so if the Twitterfolk want to comment, you can now, sorry about that!!!

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I was just talking about this!

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 17:29:52 GMT

I feel like this horse today. Talking and meds make things better. And hopefully, we get over the bridge before we end up having to set camp there and spend another whole day proving that it's solid ground.

OK, I can't get the image to post here so you can really see it, so go to http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2012/04/22 -- I couldn't link directly to it because all I got was advertising blurb instead of picture...

Or maybe http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y286/valancy17/?action=view¤t=nonsequitur.jpg will work...

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poly newbie angst

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:04:48 GMT

I'm just gonna start by saying that this is extremely edited, because while I'm angsty, I actually would like advice from people, and I don't want to go off on unimportant tangents that will make reading the whole thing a chore and undermine my purpose. So if it feels like I've left someting out, it's probably a bad edit, feel free to ask me for clarification.

I started Saturday by having some awesome sex with my fiancee!! He had a promising date scheduled for later in the afternoon, and it went very well. I ended the day with the rare but welcome treat of him getting me off (a) without the use of any battery-operated devices, which is such a much more wonderful and different kind of orgasm, and (b) without getting off himself - I got to be the only one! 99% of the time if only one of us gets off it's him, so that was really excellent. :)

We tried that last night too - he wasn't feeling sexy, but he was willing to get me off (yay!) - but it was just too damn late after a long day, and he was making a valiant effort but falling asleep, so I told him to just go to sleep and I used a toy.* Then a little while later, before I'd even tried to go to sleep, he was getting all sexy with me, that fabulously creative and uninhibited sex that we have when he's been asleep and may not even be fully awake when he starts. *wicked little grin* So you'd think I had a AWESOME weekend. And in the sex department, it was way more awesome than most! I did work Saturday but it was easy duty, and I took a nap Sunday and that was really welcome also.

So back to that wonderful date J had with someone he'd like to spend a lot more time with. I'll call her the New Girl or E. I am thrilled for him! I'm truly happy for him. She seems like a perfect fit for him (in different ways from how I am), and she's a really nice person as far as I know. He says she's a combination of him, me and her own special brand of herself. She sounds like a really cool person to get to know, and I really really hope I can climb out of my anxiety long enough to actually get to know her.

She's very experienced in poly, and he's a lot more experienced at it than I am. I'm a newbie, though. This is the first time that someone I've been with has a shot at having a successful relationship with someone else, and I'm pretty terrified that I'll do something to screw everything up - screw up their shot at a relationship, screw up my relationship that I have with him... putting way too much pressure on myself in the process, making my anxiety and angst worse.

I know that if I keep acting this way, I very well may bring about the thing I'm trying to prevent - she might feel like he's not worth the trouble if she/they have to deal with me being all angsty, and I don't want that. I don't want to be trouble. I want him to be happy! I want to work through my shit so this can be successful. I told him it's not "so much trouble" for him to date her, but I have to talk about my uncertainties and insecurities and ask my newbie questions, and he's the one I talk to.

Now, so is she, which so far has been really helpful. Her reaction when I was being all angsty and stuff was to be worried on my behalf. That is really sweet. :)

I'm not good with process. I want to be able to realize what the problem is and decide on a solution and implement it and get on with my life. I know that's not how it works (damn it). So I've begged their patience while I sort through all this emotional crap.

( behind this cut lies WAY MOAR ANGST - advice welcome )

I don't want to be an impediment or a worrywart or uptight or intimidated or intimidating. I just want this to be easy. I don't want to fuck things up for him/them though so I can't help worrying I'll do something wrong. I so often do, after all, even when it's not something this important. Sigh.

* My ego gets so fragile when related to matters of me getting off - I like that he embraces using toys and that me getting off is important to him, and I understand that arthritis prevents him from being able to devote the time and energy required to get me off manually, but manual orgasms by hand or tongue or a combination of them are so so much better! Those are my screaming-at-the-top-of-my-lungs writhing orgasms. The others feel like pale imitations much of the time, but better a pale imitation than nothing.

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thinking aloud, so to speak

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 23:21:42 GMT

( this is me reasoning through Boy Toy's email so I can reply thoughtfully and intelligently )

Anyone see anything blatant that I'm missing here?

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