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Apr. 26th, 2012 05:17 pm
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
note to self to go read this article. "The Strange Credibility of Polyamory" by pepomint

A quote from Susie Bright and Tristan Taormino talking about it:
SB: why is it that swingers have always been, like, the double-wide trailer trash of the open relationship community but when you say "poly" it's like "yes, I've been to MIT, and I've come to this decision, and ...
TT: yes, and I'm enlightened. It's back to the "I'm enlightened, I'm educated, I'm incredibly articulate and thoughtful, you know, and I live on the West Coast". Not to stereotype or anything. ;)

Even though I identify as being polyamorous, I don't know many poly people. I don't really know how to meet them. Besides my fiance & not counting my ex-husband, I have a couple male acquaintances who is poly who I met IRL. Everyone else is still only an Acquaintance, definitely not a friend. But I hear about them, especially guys who say they're polyamorous only to use poly as a cover for some unconscionable behavior. Guys who are really in it just to get laid as much as possible without feeling any compunction to be accountable to any of their partners. Or the "poly" guy who thinks is perfectly fine for him to have, like, 8 girlfriends but no way are any of his girlfriends allowed to date other men. That's all bullshit. So I don't know if I identify with their definition of "polyamorous" people being all enlightened and articulate.

But I've been to swingers events and clubs, and I do still think of the swingers as largely in this type of category they said. The guys are, well, stereotypical GUYS. They are obsessed with sex, may have baseball bats between their legs, think they're God's gift to women. Maybe they hunt or drive big pick up trucks or muscle cars, but what I don't think of is "educated, erudite, good conversationalists."

Another good question from this interview: does sex define an intimate relationship? For me, definitely no. I can't say I've had a very intimate relationship with someone I haven't ever fucked, but I can say that I've had sex without it being any kind of relationship, it was strictly bodies enjoying one another. I'd like to get to the point where I can have an intimate relationship with someone I haven't slept with, I think that's a good goal, but I'm not going to freak out about sex.
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
Other poly folk: Do you have any activities that you & your primary keep 'sacred' with each other and agree not to do with other partners? Is that a good idea? a bad idea? neither? does it totally depend on what the activity is?

In theory, it seems like a good idea. Strengthens your bond in your relationship to have things you share like that, and so on.

In practice, I know that my primary and I have occasionally intentionally or accidentally violated explicit or tacit agreements - which is something we work on when it happens. I have, in fact, broken rules and agreements we set between us before totally inadvertently because I completely forgot that we said we would or would not do X or Y. I feel like a right ass because of it, but it's due to a combination of a mental illness I have and the medications I take for it causing memory lapses.

I remember a conversation a while ago with J about something specific where we said "maybe we should have [this] just be something we don't do with other people" and I also remember a conversation where we said "sure, that seems like a good idea, but that agreement may in some cases make it seem like a restriction or restraint on us doing what we want, so maybe we shouldn't try to set a limit on [this]." Of course, neither of us recall the resolution to that conversation. Maybe there wasn't one.

I wrong a very long post here and it provoked a lot of thought in me, but none of it made as much sense or was as concise as what I wrote above, so I'm cutting this off here and I'll let the elaboration and discussion happen in the comments. ETA: I just noticed I had it set so only registered users could comment, so if the Twitterfolk want to comment, you can now, sorry about that!!!
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
I feel like this horse today. Talking and meds make things better. And hopefully, we get over the bridge before we end up having to set camp there and spend another whole day proving that it's solid ground.

OK, I can't get the image to post here so you can really see it, so go to -- I couldn't link directly to it because all I got was advertising blurb instead of picture...

Or maybe¤t=nonsequitur.jpg will work...
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
I'm just gonna start by saying that this is extremely edited, because while I'm angsty, I actually would like advice from people, and I don't want to go off on unimportant tangents that will make reading the whole thing a chore and undermine my purpose. So if it feels like I've left someting out, it's probably a bad edit, feel free to ask me for clarification.

I started Saturday by having some awesome sex with my fiancee!! He had a promising date scheduled for later in the afternoon, and it went very well. I ended the day with the rare but welcome treat of him getting me off (a) without the use of any battery-operated devices, which is such a much more wonderful and different kind of orgasm, and (b) without getting off himself - I got to be the only one! 99% of the time if only one of us gets off it's him, so that was really excellent. :)

We tried that last night too - he wasn't feeling sexy, but he was willing to get me off (yay!) - but it was just too damn late after a long day, and he was making a valiant effort but falling asleep, so I told him to just go to sleep and I used a toy.* Then a little while later, before I'd even tried to go to sleep, he was getting all sexy with me, that fabulously creative and uninhibited sex that we have when he's been asleep and may not even be fully awake when he starts. *wicked little grin* So you'd think I had a AWESOME weekend. And in the sex department, it was way more awesome than most! I did work Saturday but it was easy duty, and I took a nap Sunday and that was really welcome also.

So back to that wonderful date J had with someone he'd like to spend a lot more time with. I'll call her the New Girl or E. I am thrilled for him! I'm truly happy for him. She seems like a perfect fit for him (in different ways from how I am), and she's a really nice person as far as I know. He says she's a combination of him, me and her own special brand of herself. She sounds like a really cool person to get to know, and I really really hope I can climb out of my anxiety long enough to actually get to know her.

She's very experienced in poly, and he's a lot more experienced at it than I am. I'm a newbie, though. This is the first time that someone I've been with has a shot at having a successful relationship with someone else, and I'm pretty terrified that I'll do something to screw everything up - screw up their shot at a relationship, screw up my relationship that I have with him... putting way too much pressure on myself in the process, making my anxiety and angst worse.

I know that if I keep acting this way, I very well may bring about the thing I'm trying to prevent - she might feel like he's not worth the trouble if she/they have to deal with me being all angsty, and I don't want that. I don't want to be trouble. I want him to be happy! I want to work through my shit so this can be successful. I told him it's not "so much trouble" for him to date her, but I have to talk about my uncertainties and insecurities and ask my newbie questions, and he's the one I talk to.

Now, so is she, which so far has been really helpful. Her reaction when I was being all angsty and stuff was to be worried on my behalf. That is really sweet. :)

I'm not good with process. I want to be able to realize what the problem is and decide on a solution and implement it and get on with my life. I know that's not how it works (damn it). So I've begged their patience while I sort through all this emotional crap.

behind this cut lies WAY MOAR ANGST - advice welcome )

I don't want to be an impediment or a worrywart or uptight or intimidated or intimidating. I just want this to be easy. I don't want to fuck things up for him/them though so I can't help worrying I'll do something wrong. I so often do, after all, even when it's not something this important. Sigh.

* My ego gets so fragile when related to matters of me getting off - I like that he embraces using toys and that me getting off is important to him, and I understand that arthritis prevents him from being able to devote the time and energy required to get me off manually, but manual orgasms by hand or tongue or a combination of them are so so much better! Those are my screaming-at-the-top-of-my-lungs writhing orgasms. The others feel like pale imitations much of the time, but better a pale imitation than nothing.
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
this is me reasoning through Boy Toy's email so I can reply thoughtfully and intelligently )

Anyone see anything blatant that I'm missing here?
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
J&I met a couple, M&S, on Craigslist. Had dinner, got along famously. Then M went away for work for about a month & we made plans to get together with them when he got back by all going to a swingers pool party where you get to swim naked, have sex in all sorts of fun crazy places like in the pool, on sofas and air mattresses on the floor and, if you're lucky enough to get in, in one of the bedrooms with king size beds.

my sad tale of woe )

In the car ride home, he was saying, you know, he never meets anyone, I never meet any keepers only asshats I end up telling you lot about, and I said "so, what do you want to do about this?" Because if being open (poly or swinging) isn't working for us only because of lack of opportunities, that's different from it not working because our relationship can't take it or something. He said he doesn't want to close off opportunities or potential, and I can see that. The only lover I have besides J who I have great sex with is kind of a jerk, and I don't have time or inclination or energy to go find others, and they aren't finding me. And he doesn't have any lovers besides me right now, because he's just not meeting the right women I guess. I just don't know how to make this work. I don't know how to get the kind of life we'd like to have from where we are.
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
His nickname has been Boy Toy because even though he's older than me, he's less mature. Every so often, he pops back into my life, but then I get an attack of conscience or just get fucking fed up and stop seeing him. Since I got with J, I've been keeping pretty well away from Boy Toy.

When we met, we were both with other people and cheating. We never used to be able to "entertain" at home, so we would do things like fuck in his car, or fuck in a storage closet where he worked, because we were broke and horny and had no better place to go. I moved on - he didn't. I don't need to sneak around any more in order to get a little strange, and it's too much work. So I stopped seeing anyone who was involved with someone but cheating on her, and that included the Boy Toy.

In December, he once again showed up on my radar, saying he and his long-time gf (12-15 years?) broke up. He and I got together and proceeded... not to have sex, actually. We got re-acquainted & were going to meet again a few days later for sex. Then my life esploded when I started working 2nd shift, and the holidays came and went, and I couldn't make time to see him. I didn't have the inclination to do so, even if I'd had the time, because he can be or try to be a manipulative SOB and I wasn't interested.

He just wrote me again, calmly asking how my holidays were & saying his ex-gf is living with him again until she finds an apartment, she's sick and she can't move right now and he's a softie, but he does have a car so he can get around and we could meet elsewhere. His email said "she's here so I can't exactly be explicit about what I'm doing in my spare time, but we have 2 options: (1) my house when she's out or your house when your roommates are gone OR (2) fucking in cars or storage closets."

Not the way I see it. I reminded him he's leaving out a perfectly valid option (3) - not meeting for sex again until he's got things settled on his end, until he doesn't have to sneak around on anyone. His message included a remark that he goes nuts after a month without a good lay, implying I'm supposed to help him with this little problem. My attitude is "no, actually, I don't. I'm doing this on my terms."

So I told him no. I explained again that I intend to conduct myself on the up-and-up, and if he feels like he can't just be honest about what he's up to, then I don't want to be involved with him until after all that blows over. If he wants to sneak around, more power to him, but it won't be with me.

There are guys who are dumb. Then there are guys who play dumb so well you know they're really criminal masterminds putting on an act. THEN there are guys who play dumb so well you would think they're really criminal masterminds except that nobody could play THAT dumb unless they WERE really stupendously dumb. I don't think he's as dumb or uncomprehending as he appears to be. I think he knows precisely what he's doing. He just keeps trying to press what he thinks is his advantage. I think he's trying to manipulate me, and I resent that.

But I'll tell you what - if I didn't have all this personal character stuff to think about, I'd fuck him in a hot minute. He was a fantastic lover. But I can't get it through his thick skull that he doesn't have to manipulate me and that by trying to do so, he's making it worse for himself, he's making it that much less likely he's ever going to get to fuck me again.

I wonder how many more times I'm going to have to cuff him on the snout before he gets that I will conduct my relationships openly and he can get on board or forget seeing me again.
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
At this festive time of year, the horny guys come out of the woodwork.

I've been getting a fair amount of email on both my OKCupid accounts - the one that's normal and the one for more sexxy stuff - and sometimes I get email from the same guys on both. Sometimes I get the SAME email from the same guy on both accounts.

But I had a fun one the other day. To the sexxy account, all he sent was "wink". He bothered to type that in and said nothing more.

To my normal account he said:
You sound like a good friend with benefits. Would you enjoybreaking [sic] the ice by exchanging massages and cuddling?

I thought up a clever response, & J thought it was funny too so I don't think I'm nuts thinking it was humorous:
I believe those are Advanced Icebreaking - I'm only in Beginners Icebreaking. I'm in Intermediate Replying-To-Your-Messages, though. :)

I overestimated him. His response:
Hmmm, fair enough on the first part. I don't understand the second part about 'intermediate replaying.'[sic] How are things with you?

So we've established that he understood that I was saying, without being baldfaced about it, that his message was too forward. But he's not clever enough to get all the wit employed. And yet he's still interested in trying to continue to have a conversation with someone he doesn't get.

*scratches head* Must be hormones.
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
From Women's Health Magazine: "These bliss-inducing muscle contractions can explode spontaneously during one sexual encounter, but at other times they require a superspecific setting (soft music, dimmed lights), body position (half pike with a twist), and technique (clockwise clitoral stimulation, please!) to set them off. And hitting the height of pleasure is no guarantee."
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
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