tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
[personal profile] tuneinturnon
I'd asked for the metamour's email address. D had been a little worried but hadn't asked why I wanted it, he just gave it to me - a straight answer for once! :) I only wanted to get the password for their WiFi, which he didn't know, but he admitted later he'd been worried. If it'd been J, he wouldn't have left me alone until he knew. I'm glad D wasn't like that.

She offered to be a translator so I can understand her husband. :) I said that'd be great, but she's usually not around when we're talking. She said, which I knew, "I do know he likes you a lot, but has been trying to figure you out too, so I think it's just that you're using two different means of communication..." I agree. He says he likes me a lot - I'm not sure how well he actually knows me, but it's entirely possible that since I answer his questions, maybe he knows me better than I know him. :P

She and I also took a while to talk about her favorite hobby, something D and J and I used to be involved in but we haven't been involved for a while. D and I are really not interested in talking about it. J knows some of the same people the metamour does, so they had a nice chat about that which left D and I out completely. But hey, if this makes her feel more comfortable talking to me since we actually have something to talk about, I can talk about it for a little while. She said she's been "gently encouraging" D to get involved in the hobby again. I think she should stop; he's told me he has no interest in going, he doesn't want to deal with all the new people she wants him to meet, and I don't think she should try to make him. But she really does seem to have his best interests at heart in at least one respect, she isn't just doing it out of selfish reasons. I just left it alone because it's not my place to butt in.

Things I learned from the metamour
1. D is extremely conflict avoidant to a fault, and it's hard to get him to discuss things seriously without a humor overtone. It drove his ex-wife nuts, just like it's been driving me nuts. Don't really want to be compared to the ex-wife, but if he keeps this up, I'm going to end up saying, "This is very frustrating for me" and then he'll probably feel that's a conflict and clam up.

I do have a sense of humor, J can attest to it, but I'm not as goofy as D is. To me, funny and goofy aren't the same. Silly can be a good thing, but silly has its place. There's a difference between childlike and childish.

2. D has expressed to her that he sometimes feels a bit awkward with me in person. She thinks that the differences in communication styles might be something for D and me to talk about. I told her we had, but his answer was essentially "this is who I am." Her response was, "Ah yes...that sounds like him. Stubborn... And he sometimes has a hard time seeing things from someone else's point of view..."

I hear that and instantly think, "It is going to be IMPOSSIBLE for me to deal with this guy!" Any recommendations for coping strategies? It's been a long time since I studied communication styles.

3. I expressed frustration at asking him a question and not getting a real answer, and she thinks mahybe it was something he hadn't really thought about. I've gotten that answer from him before, when I've asked him how he likes a specific play activity - "I don't really know, I never thought about it." I thought, "how can you not know? I have preferences, surely you have preferences!" Her response was, "He doesn't always 'peel the onion' very well...doesn't figure things out to their core to get at the truth." He's not experienced with a variety of partners. On this one, I'm going to have to learn to live with him just not knowing.

She and I are going to chat again, get better acquainted. Maybe she can be a translator, if she likes. Normally I'd say "you butt out of my shit and I'll butt out of yours" but what could it hurt if his wife likes me? As long as it isn't TOO much... ;)

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tuneinturnon

January 2015

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