tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
[personal profile] tuneinturnon
Those following me on Twitter tonight watched me have a tough time at a social event. I was feeling insecure because, well, I just do sometimes. I'm an introvert, I have to make a great deal of effort to interact with people at social events in general, and I realized in the long deconstruction of it after J and I got home that nobody else at this thing is making an effort to get to know me, like even asking me what I do for a living or anything. While J says they're perfectly nice people who I'd have a lot to talk about with, I'm doing ALL the work when trying to make conversation with people. Nobody seems to want to get to know me. So that makes me feels uninteresting and worse about myself.

Then there was a situation where there were a couple women there who J was interested in or had crushes on (or just thought he had a shot with and was attracted to, I'm not even entirely certain). He and I talked about one of the women he's interested in, and I said he should talk to her and he said he couldn't because it'd come off as creepy. I thought he was being stupid and was even considering taking matters into my own hands and telling her he was interested and they should talk about it, but he manned up and did it himself, and I was proud of him and happy for him. He says she's a female version of him, which is kind of scary. Unfortunately for him, she's not interested in anything with men right now, but she promised that he'll be her first call once she is.

Today there was another woman. He and I talked about how maybe she was flirting, he thought they had a connection, but he wasn't sure. The whole thing was handled rather badly by him, though, so my feelings ended up getting hurt and I got angry, so there was a long conversation with him about what needs to happen differently next time so that he doesn't make me cry, which neither of us want.

First, while we discussed how she might be flirting, he never asked me about getting together with her or if I was okay with it. I'm sure he wasn't in the least thinking he had a chance in hell of actually getting with her. But that meant that when something happened, we were totally unprepared.

Second, he went off to talk with her and clear the air. He didn't let me know. I happened to pass them in the hall, or I wouldn't even have known where the hell he was or that they were together. In my mind, when you're going off to tell someone you have a crush on them, there's a chance the feelings will be mutual, and if you're making it a point to go to a private place to have that conversation, he should have at LEAST told me, even just stopped to talk to me when they were on their way past in the hall to say "we're going to go down here to talk about X". Instead what happened was they went, they talked, he/they assumed that based on previous conversation with me he/they had permission to take things further, and they ended up making out.

Third, when they rejoined the social group, I gathered something had gone on between them because of the way he was being with her physically, but he didn't say anything to me by way of explanation, he didn't try to take me aside or tell me, so for all I knew, they just had a really long talk.

So several minutes later, she out of the blue thanked me. I essentially said "what was that for?" and she didn't answer, so I said "well, whatever it was for, you're welcome." She later said "I was thanking you because he said you said it was cool if we made out" - on the outside I was cool and trying to be all adult but on the inside I'm getting angry, thinking "we never had that conversation, don't put words in my mouth". I think this was her way of sort of checking to make sure that he hadn't been lying to her when he said it was cool if they made out, and it totally would've been completely cool if I'd had a fucking clue what was going on. I'm now pissed at him because I'm in an awkward position of getting surprised by the news my fiance made out with another woman by hearing it from the other woman in a crowd of people, not even in a personal private side conversation.

Lastly, he'd been saying he's everyone else's best wingman at the event, he could get other people laid (and did), and so I challenged him to get ME laid. That didn't happen. While he was away, and even after he and G came back but while he ran off somewhere else for a minute, people kept saying "the night's young" but I know he was there until 4 last night and I didn't see him bringing in the dawn at the party of the century tonight. He didn't exert any effort on that behalf before he went off to make out with G, and when he got back, I was SO not in the mood to meet anyone new. I was pissed and hurt and just wanted to go home, so that's what we did.

I was kinda hoping we'd have sex, a kind of balm to the wound, but I spent so long crying once we got home while we were talking about it that we just had to go to bed. Hell, I need to be on site again in 4 hours and my alarm is set for 2.75 hours from now. Ugh. I took a Xanax so hopefully I can chill enough to actually fall asleep but at this point it's a mere nap.

So now we get to the lessons learned. I was very clear with him when I said "what are we going to do to make sure this doesn't end up happening again? I don't want to end up angry and hurt, and you don't want me to either." to which he readily agreed.

I said "give me a heads up if you're going into this kind of conversation", since I didn't have a clue either time he did it this weekend and got an unpleasant shock at least once.

I said that I'm going to change my expectations of these events. When J and I go to a swinger's party, I expect that we might get laid, either separately or together, and if someone wants to take him off by himself, I can figure out how to make my own fun. So it's probably best for me to assume that from the moment we walk in, either of us might be getting propositioned or in sexual situations at any time so I'll consider myself pre-warned. I'm going to make my best effort at it.

Lastly, we established that, to quote C.J. Cregg from "The West Wing", "Before, now, in the future, anytime you’re into something and you don’t know what. And you can’t tell me that you thought there was nothing to it.... Anytime you’re into something and you don’t know what, you don’t keep it from me. I’m your first phone call." In other words, what I want to see in future similar situations is that he enters the room, he makes a beeline to me as quickly as reasonably possible, he interrupts what I'm doing and asks if he can have a word away from everyone else, and he lets me know what just happened so I'm not caught completely off guard. Because I really hated being surprised by this news tonight, but more importantly, I really hated not hearing it from him.

And I've just thought of something else - I fear this is totally going to fan the flames of my "I wanna have a crush on someone!" longing. Bah.

Date: 2012-07-16 09:10 am (UTC)
gwydion: (No Angel)
From: [personal profile] gwydion
I was very clear with him when I said "what are we going to do to make sure this doesn't end up happening again? I don't want to end up angry and hurt, and you don't want me to either." to which he readily agreed.

I am proud of you for framing it this way and working out a plan with him so things go better in future.

Date: 2012-07-17 01:43 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
One thing I learned years ago - you can waste lots of time blaming, which is unproductive. Making him feel sorry (which he did and it was appropriate) does little to help. I want the bad stuff to not happen in the first place ! So it's best to say "I don't care whose fault it is, how do we fix it?" and get on with it, then if it really matters whose fault it is, you can deal with that afterwards, but focus on the important stuff first.


tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)

January 2015


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