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Apr. 26th, 2012 05:17 pm
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
[personal profile] tuneinturnon
note to self to go read this article. "The Strange Credibility of Polyamory" by pepomint
http://freaksexual.wordpress.com/2007/11/27/the-strange-credibility-of-polyamory/

A quote from Susie Bright and Tristan Taormino talking about it:
SB: why is it that swingers have always been, like, the double-wide trailer trash of the open relationship community but when you say "poly" it's like "yes, I've been to MIT, and I've come to this decision, and ...
TT: yes, and I'm enlightened. It's back to the "I'm enlightened, I'm educated, I'm incredibly articulate and thoughtful, you know, and I live on the West Coast". Not to stereotype or anything. ;)

Even though I identify as being polyamorous, I don't know many poly people. I don't really know how to meet them. Besides my fiance & not counting my ex-husband, I have a couple male acquaintances who is poly who I met IRL. Everyone else is still only an Acquaintance, definitely not a friend. But I hear about them, especially guys who say they're polyamorous only to use poly as a cover for some unconscionable behavior. Guys who are really in it just to get laid as much as possible without feeling any compunction to be accountable to any of their partners. Or the "poly" guy who thinks is perfectly fine for him to have, like, 8 girlfriends but no way are any of his girlfriends allowed to date other men. That's all bullshit. So I don't know if I identify with their definition of "polyamorous" people being all enlightened and articulate.

But I've been to swingers events and clubs, and I do still think of the swingers as largely in this type of category they said. The guys are, well, stereotypical GUYS. They are obsessed with sex, may have baseball bats between their legs, think they're God's gift to women. Maybe they hunt or drive big pick up trucks or muscle cars, but what I don't think of is "educated, erudite, good conversationalists."

Another good question from this interview: does sex define an intimate relationship? For me, definitely no. I can't say I've had a very intimate relationship with someone I haven't ever fucked, but I can say that I've had sex without it being any kind of relationship, it was strictly bodies enjoying one another. I'd like to get to the point where I can have an intimate relationship with someone I haven't slept with, I think that's a good goal, but I'm not going to freak out about sex.

Polyamory

Date: 2012-04-27 05:59 pm (UTC)
bzero: (sex)
From: [personal profile] bzero
Thanks for the add, and the link (which I'll have to remember to go read when I'm not at work).

I know a lot of poly people, and like mono people they range from the sex-hounds to the committed-relationship types. Some use poly for sex, but they're the same people who either cheat or jump from relationship to relation in mono circles, so I think it's more of a general public thing than something inherent in poly, although poly DOES attract people who want to use it as a cover for sketchy behavior (men AND women).

Date: 2012-04-28 04:52 am (UTC)
gwydion: Vlad and Niran kissing (Kiss)
From: [personal profile] gwydion
The unethical assholes make the rest of us look bad.

For the record, I've been negotiating my relationship boundaries since I was sixteen. I am used to fixing in advance whether we are aiming for monogamy or one of the non-monogamy forms and what the rules are for communicating, safety, and what is and isn't cheating. To my way of thinking, unless it's part of your kink to have extra limits, it ought to be fair and cut both ways. (If they are into cuckolding, like being ordered about and/or restrained, or watching me do do something that's different. Occasionally fair isn't equal). Anyway, it is possible to play like grown ups. We didn't have the poly word yet when I was a teen, but I started as I meant to continue.

For me, the problem with swinging is it's somewhere I'm not welcome. I'm not interested in sex with women, though I'm cool with it in a group setting. (I'm not woman hating or anything, but I'm strongly androphilic sexually, so I have nothing much to give a woman beyond a nice massage). I am not currently partnered. Organized swinging tends to be hetero-focused and one needs a female partner to participate. Poly labelled things are more likely to be inclusive. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with swinging, just that for someone like me, it's utterly useless and unwelcoming.

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