Aug. 20th, 2012

Opening Up

Aug. 20th, 2012 01:47 pm
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
I have the audiobook of "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino, so I can "read" it while I'm at work.

I unpinned it from the top of the journal because it's annoying to have to scroll past this for the new stuff every time. :)

Chapter 2 has a long self-evaluation and she suggests that if you're considering a non-monogamous relationship, you should think about and possibly journal about these questions or discuss them in therapy.

There are lots of questions, so I just transcribed them, and I'm going to answer them as I have time. I'm sort of pinning this post to the top of my timeline until I'm done.


What are your beliefs about monogamy?

If you've been in monogamous relationships before, how did you feel in those relationships, and how did they work (or not work) for you?

Do you believe that someone can love, be in love with, more than one person at a time?

What role does sex play in your relationships? How important is it to you? What does it mean to you?

Can you have sex without an emotional attachment? How are sex and love related or not related?

Have you ever had a fuck buddy or a Friend With Benefits? What worked and didn't work about the relationship?

If you're currently in a relationship: what is the state of the relationship? Does it feel stable and secure?

What are your most common conflicts with your partner? Do both partners want to explore a different structure?

Do you have sexual needs, desires and fantasies that aren't being fulfilled?

Imagine your partner having sex with another person. It’s important to be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like. What feelings does that bring up? What would be your worst fear? What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like? What would be an absolute deal breaker?

Imagine your partner having a relationship with another person. It’s important to be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like. What feelings does that bring up? What would be your worst fear? What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like? What would be an absolute deal breaker?

How do you handle feelings?

Do you consider yourself a jealous person? How do you handle intense feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment?

Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them to others? When something is bothering you, do you more often keep it to yourself or share it? Do you have the ability to communicate openly and honestly, even about difficult issues? When conflict arises, how do you usually handle it?

How available are you? Do you have the time to nurture and grow more than one love relationship? Do you have the energy to devote to several different people and juggle multiple lovers? Do you have access to potential partners who have non-monogamy experience and strong relationship skills?

Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to be in an open relationship?
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
I wanted to clarify: I'm not trying to make everyone in the world realize that non-monogamy is the natural order of things or anything like that.

Polyamory isn't the answer for everyone. Monogamy and asexuality and other models are perfectly valid options.

I'd just like people who are monogamous to have chosen monogamy because they've actually put some thought into it and not just because monogamy is the default.

Untold thousands of spouses cheat on their partners, so why not actually examine if you want to be monogamous if not, choose to be ethically non-monogamous?

Maybe I am a crusader, for a greater quantity of ethical behavior in the world, generally speaking.

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