tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
[personal profile] tuneinturnon
J&I met a couple, M&S, on Craigslist. Had dinner, got along famously. Then M went away for work for about a month & we made plans to get together with them when he got back by all going to a swingers pool party where you get to swim naked, have sex in all sorts of fun crazy places like in the pool, on sofas and air mattresses on the floor and, if you're lucky enough to get in, in one of the bedrooms with king size beds.

So we got there, hung out in the water a bit - I wouldn't call it "swimming" - then got out and got a room. J&S had their fun. Not sure WHAT the hell was going on on our side of the bed. For one thing, M wouldn't kiss me. He sucked on my neck and got close, but he wouldn't kiss me. That confused me a bit, made me wonder what was going on in his head.

M went down on me, but I think he felt like he had to keep pace with them, and when they started to have sex and get to the point of reaching orgasm, he stopped, even though I was far from orgasm, in order to fuck. Except that he couldn't get/keep it up. Whether it was the weirdness of being with another couple for the first time, having another naked dude in the room with him, or just the fact that the had to wear a condom which he normally doesn't, he couldn't get/stay hard, and he felt embarrassed about that, which made it worse, of course. J was telling him it happens to everyone, trying to be supportive, and then S suggested putting the bullet vibe in my cunt, thinking the stimulation would help M. I didn't really understand how or why that'd help, so then they got into an intellectual explanation of how it works. I was like "I don't think you're helping..."

So we did that, but since he wasn't hard and couldn't get hard, it didn't really help. J asked if they'd ever been with another couple before, which M said they had not, so he figured maybe the problem was having another naked man in the room with them, especially maybe one who'd just fucked his woman. So J excused himself and left the 3 of us alone. What we did was get S engaged with him - kissing and so on - and finally he was turned on enough to fuck me, while he was making out with her. I was just sort of ... there. Neither of them were paying any sexual attention to me, with the exception of his cock going in and out of me, and nobody was making any effort to excite me.

Once he came and got off me, S was like "her turn!" so together they got me off with a toy. But it was like, it wasn't even hot at that point. And immediately when I was done, we all threw our things together and left the room and went to find J in the pool.

I was still horny and wanted to jump all over him, but I didn't want them to feel excluded or dissed or anything, so I didn't. Then longer I marinated in the pool water, the more bummed I got about the whole thing. J was saying we should take them and introduce them around, but I really wasn't in a social mood. I said I'd go if he wanted me too, but I wasn't able to muster up the energy to be social or outgoing. He asked if I wanted to go home, and I said yes, but I didn't want to desert our guests. He looked at me and said "Post mortem in the car?" and I said "definitely" - the deconstruction happens in the car on the way home, not at the event. Then S got horny and wanted to jump all over someone and it had to be J or M (apparently I wasn't properly equipped), and I basically said it'd have to be M, since you can't exactly put a condom on in the pool easily. So they were being all frisky and I was getting more bummed and said I was going to go downstairs, so J offered to come with me.

We got down there, talked for a bit, decided we may as well just leave. When we got back upstairs, M&S were halfway dressed and on their way out too. I don't know if they were going to come find us, I hope they would've at least let us know, but they said they didn't realize it was going to go on so long and they had a party they'd promised to go to and so on, so we all left.

It wasn't until we were in the car talking about what happened that I really realized that I was feeling rejected by M and like I may as well not have been there. J went through his normal post-party "I don't think we should do this any more. We wasted our time. We shouldn't come to these parties" which he says every time, even though he gets so excited about them in the days leading up to the event. If we were capable of being more outgoing and inserting ourselves into groups more easily, that'd be awesome - there are people there, many people, who greet one another with blow jobs or oral sex or what have you. We've never been involved in any of that. Any sexual activity I've been involved in at one of these parties hasn't resulted in orgasm for me despite trying, and then I end up feeling shitty about myself because I can't cum just from shifting my legs in a chair the right way like some women. If we manage to hook up with anyone, J gets off and I don't, and maybe the sex is dreadful, mediocre, possibly even good, but it's never fantastic. I'm getting teary just thinking about it.

So I was telling him about the part of the evening he missed and crying - not sobbing or anything, but I couldn't help feeling sad and crying, feeling rejected. I didn't tell J until we were coming the door at home that M wouldn't kiss me. He did eventually, but prior to trying to put his cock in me, he wouldn't, and at that point he maybe only did it to try to get it up, I don't know. After we got in bed, my wonderful sweetie got all sexxy with me, but it was late and we were tired, or at least he was for certain, so there wasn't any foreplay to speak of. We went from 0 to fucking in no time, and since my toy was in the other room and I didn't want to interrupt the action to go get it, I resigned myself to sex without orgasm. That's certainly satisfying in its own way. But it didn't make up for the evening. He kissed me, which was wonderful, and I immediately thought "at least someone wants me tonight."

So as soon as he was done and rolled off me, in pain as usual with every joint seizing up, I started crying. I couldn't help it. I tried to excuse myself and go into another room, because I didn't want him to feel bad about it. But he asked what was wrong, because he's a kind and caring individual, and it became obvious that I was upset about something. It wasn't his fault that I was crying. I couldn't really say it was anyone's fault. I never know any more. Maybe I'm just depressed. I'm crying right now, after all. Going over all this makes me sad, but I don't know if I'd be crying if it were for certain meds changes I've had lately that I think made me more prone to tears and sadness.

So J feels shitty because he feels responsible for making me cry, which he wasn't. His attempt to soothe me sort of worked, but not really, because I wasn't sated nor was I mollified. Crying myself out wouldn't have worked any better, because I never seem to get cried out - crying isn't a purge for me like some people, I just end up just as sad but out of tears - but if I'd gone in the bathroom and done my crying, at least J wouldn't feel bad. So I'm feeling bad for making him feel bad now too. Sigh.

In the car ride home, he was saying, you know, he never meets anyone, I never meet any keepers only asshats I end up telling you lot about, and I said "so, what do you want to do about this?" Because if being open (poly or swinging) isn't working for us only because of lack of opportunities, that's different from it not working because our relationship can't take it or something. He said he doesn't want to close off opportunities or potential, and I can see that. The only lover I have besides J who I have great sex with is kind of a jerk, and I don't have time or inclination or energy to go find others, and they aren't finding me. And he doesn't have any lovers besides me right now, because he's just not meeting the right women I guess. I just don't know how to make this work. I don't know how to get the kind of life we'd like to have from where we are.
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tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)

January 2015


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