Hell yeah

Jan. 25th, 2015 10:15 pm
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
Pittsburgh mayor @billpeduto: Snow Plow Tracker activated at 3PM, 2 Heavy Equip Mechanics on duty at midnight, First Vehicle opening garage at 2AM - be safe out there!
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
I gotta guy I started seeing a couple months back. We don't see each other much because of work schedules & family requirements. But that was fine by me. I didn't want anything serious.

I have to tell him I don't want to see him anymore. I pussied out the other day because he's truly a nice guy but suffered from some traits a few "nice guys" I'vemnet have that bug the shit out of me, & despite saying to him that these are a problem for me, he can't quit. And I don't want to feel like a nag reminding him all the time. I think it's time to call it.

I'm sure many women would LOVE a guy who does nothing but agree with her & never expresses his own opinion except in the form of a question followed by "is that all right with you?" I've told him I need a guy who has preferences and opinions, but he just doesn't seem capable of expressing those. They'd probably think he's being considerate.

With me, it irks me no end. I hate doing all the decision-making. Even something as basic as where to eat frustrates me. I told him on our first date I need a guy with opinions, not someone who's gonna put all the decision making on me. No use.

Then there's sex. I met him online, & he answered a whole bunch of questions about his sex life. One thing said he's a dom. I definitely do not see that. Another said after a break-up he "went in a spree," shall we say. When asked, he told me he's had 6 lovers. This info doesn't jive. I've tried to addresses these inconsistencies & he dodges the questions or doesn't answer my emails about that.

After our first date, he texted me all the time. Many times a day. Good morning, how's your day, and so on. I frankly wasn't looking for something with that level of involvement. He knew I wanted a fuck buddy I could talk to during downtime [so we needed to be able to chat] & that was it. Some would say they're only text messages, but I consider phone calls & texts generally to be intrusions. I'm not available to anyone 24/7 except family.

Since I didn't see an easy way out without possibly hurting his feelings, I'd answer or sometimes not get to answering for a while. It boils down to "you were thinking of me, but I wasn't thinking of you, I was going about my daily life & you're inserting yourself into it." I don't know a way to say "I don't think of you" without it sounding insulting, so I let it go.

There are also some things he does in bed, whether they're d habits or personal preferences, that make me want to throttle him, & not in a good way. I've told him what I prefer, I've reminded him nicely when he's forgotten. I've tried going with the flow and seeing if I could find a way for these things to just not bug me, but "that tickles, I like being stroked like this instead" isn't exactly rocket science.

Usually with me it's "3 strikes & you're out" - if I've asked a partner to do or nit do something & by the end of our third (different day) session he can't manage it, I say "ciao, it's been fun." How long do you give a new lover to catch on? (Subs & salves not really included since they do your bidding.)

What do I do? Normally I take the honest approach, but I'm sure telling he annoys me would likely make him swear he'd change & I'd feel worse saying I'm not giving him that opportunity.

tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
- Got email from K (see a couple entries ago) asking if I'd be interested in seeing him ever again. How long ago was that post, and it took him this long to contact me? No, I'm not doing this shit.
- Starting my period so today's the last day I can sleep panties-free for a week. Ugh. Plus for no reason at all, when I bent, my right boob was suddenly in great pain. What'd I ever to do you, huh? Knock that shit off!

- There's a guy I have been trying to go out with for nearly 2 months now. He had a recurrence of colon cancer right when we were finally going to meet and was out of commission for at least a month. We were going to get together tomorrow but he had to cancel, doc wants to do colonoscopy Wednesday so he's got to drink the icky stuff and so on Tuesday. He likes to talk on the phone, which I hate, and when I begged off talking on the phone, he seemed really put out by it. When I asked if he was put out he said no, but I've just gotten the impression over time that he only wants to talk to me on the phone - and it's never sexy talk, it's not like phone sex or anything, it's just conversation (only he does most of the talking, another reason I'm not really into it) - and that's just not going to work for me. We've tentatively rescheduled for next week after my period is done.

- In the meantime, I'm not waiting for him. I'm making other plans with a perfectly nice fellow who has been more than patient, more than happy to wait and get together whenever. The antithesis of how most guys are. This fellow and I had to cancel our first meetup a couple times so we skyped instead & talked for a couple of hours, and we text occasionally. I look forward to meeting him in person. I am a bit worried based on something he said that I forget now that he might have exaggerated his actual experience with women (he's kind of a nerd, geek, what have you), so we'll see how it goes.

- Home front has been pretty quiet. Mostly all I do is work or try to forget about work. I'm trying to read more lately, nothing sexy though, just regular books.

That's all I can think of right now. I figured it was time for an update, though. Ciao!
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
First, just a warning - I put no hyperlinks in this post. Anything that's a link is an ad.

J recently saw an ad in the "Casual Encounters" area of Craigslist. For those unfamiliar, Casual Encounters is generally for people who are looking for NSA sexual encounters, not relationships. There are separate areas for relationships.

This ad was from a triad - specifically from a couple who recently expanded to a triad and "are looking for the right couple or group to introduce our new girl to the lifestyle." J asked if I was interested.
The ad was full of contradictions to me. A triad generally indicates to me & J, anyway, that they're polyamorous.

"Lifestyle" is generally used for swinging or even BDSM, in my experience. I haven't heard it so much for people who are polyamorous.
But when they say "our" "girl", it makes me think of maybe a D/S daddy-dynamic, potentially. So I wanted to clear up what they meant. Turns out that was very difficult.
I got in communication with the person writing the ad, the man of the couple as was. Dude was using a lot of words I don't think he knew the meanings of.

Dude: "We are just a bf/gf/gf. New gf hasn't swung yet."
Me: "so you meant swinging? that's all?" [he'd already identified them as poly. not that they can't be poly swingers like we are, but they're not interchangeable terms, and it sounded like he thinks they are.]
Dude: "yes, swinging."

All right, I figure swinging = people who are not in an emotional/romantic relationship but who have sex, maybe sex with a side of friendship. Then, he continues.

Dude: "New gf wanted more people to embrace us."

So now I'm confused.

Me: "do you mean sex? That's what I thought your ad meant. But if you just want to socialize..."
Dude: "Sex. We want both. [NameOmitted] wants it all. She just wants affection from as many as possible."
Me: "You think you can generate affection via sex via a Craigslist ad? You can generate attention and hopefully orgasms but not necessarily affection."
Dude: "No, we think that in the one in a million chance we met a poly couple, we found you two"

Hold on, now. We haven't even met in person. Don't be giving me all this "you're one in a million" nonsense. I hate fake flattery. That plus the confusing terminology is starting to get on my nerves.
Second, he doesn't seem to know there are other poly people around. There are LOTS of poly people around, he just hasn't figured out how to meet them, apparently. I suggested a few ways they could meet folks.

Dude: "oh well i guess people that just want to fuck is all we will find on cl. Sorry for being excited that we found a couple that would understand a group that could all just be!!!"

I'm thinking oh well, I guess when you put your ad in the Casual Encounters section of CL, then yes, you DO only get people who want to fuck, because that's why they are there! They aren't there to find true love, and they sure as hell aren't there to find "a group that can all just be" [which apparently includes sex/polyamory/swinging but also other levels of involvement that were unclear to me - though not BDSM, we did at least square that].

But I'm still nice to him. I suggest maybe he cross-post his ad or move it, I repeat what I said about other ways they can meet poly people.

Dude: "so u done with us? u just wanted sex?"

I hate to say "yes, we just wanted sex" - it sounds cold-hearted. But it's 100% true. When we're swinging, yes, it's pretty much all about the sex.

Another thing that's 100% true is that J & I don't want to be in a relationship together with others, that's just not how we roll when we're practicing polyamory. As a couple, we don't want communal partners; I have enough trouble with one at a time, I sure as hell don't want the complications that arise from being 3 in a relationship.

So that's what I said, that we're not looking to get involved with a group. If someone wants me "showering affection" on her - and hell, who wouldn't want to have affection showered on them? - that's "involved," in my book. Dude seems to have gone away now.
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
There's this guy I'll call "K". He took me to dinner once. He seemed like a nice guy. He asked me to go out again. Heck, he asked if he could kiss me good night.

But he refused to tell me anything about where he lived or his home life, saying that he lived with his brother and didn't want to have to explain a FWB relationship to him. I thought this sounded fishy and told him so. I said if he wasn't willing to let me see that he doesn't have a wife or gf at home, we were done talking.

K would send me a text every few months or so, asking how I was and if we could go out, and I'd always turn him down saying "do you still 'live with your brother?' [answer=yes] then no, we're not going out."

Last time we chatted on text, he got all up in arms about how I didn't trust him and it was for no good reason. I said I couldn't trust him when I knew nothing about him except this suspicious behavior. So he gave me his name and I did a little Internet searching. Found out some things he might not rather I know (like his mother owns the house he's living in, and he does in fact live with his brother, of which he has two, one may be a twin - same age as him - and where he went to high school and all kinds of stuff). I said "ok, now you've extended me some reason to trust you, you have my trust." And then he vanished again, proceeded not to contact me or answer my attempts to contact him for a couple weeks, at which point I wrote him off again.

He popped back up today. I called him on his disappearing act. He had a couple reasons. He apologized for not answering my messages but said he was being sexually harassed at work and after that all got resolved, he went "invisible" for a while. A woman was snooping in his email & reading his texts (of course, he was a moron and used a work phone for his sexy chats with The Ladies) & he was afraid 'his world was going crash down'. The woman who was harassing him was a client, and when he reported it, his company lost their business with the client and he was afraid he was going to lose his job.

And to further explain his radio silence, he said he did get into a relationship with a woman but she ended up being married, her husband found out and called him on it, and she wanted to continue their relationship but he said no.

I can actually totally believe the affair, because I'm almost positive (in hindsight) that at least one of the guys I went out with before I met J was cheating. I didn't get a call from his wife or anything, but he stopped seeing me the moment it came to "we have to go to your house because I'm gonna have this new roommate" (J). If the affair & its disappointment had been the only story, I'd get that. If the harassment had been the only story, I'd find it a bit out there, but I could understand that too. But both of them? I find I'm still inclined to suspect him. He said he'd been harassed and I didn't think "oh, how awful!" I thought "yeah, right." I feel like a bad person.

Am I wrong to be suspicious?
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
I tried to tweet this but Twitter is being a little bitch this morning for me (from work).

Small world syndrome is working in my favor, for a change!

I met a new guy online, M. He told me about another partner of his who is poly and kinky, and I thought he might be seeing the woman I referenced back this spring as "New Girl" just from the way he described her. But I only just met him, so I wasn't going to get into all that.

J hasn't seen New Girl in ages, said they haven't seen each other because they're too busy, but she hasn't been too busy to start seeing 2 others guys, so I didn't think that was quite the whole reason.

But we got deeper into discussion, talking about exes and our past tragedies and more in-depth. It was really quite a unique conversation. I asked if he always gets this in-depth with people he's just met and he was like "hell no!" I felt flattered a bit. :) So anyway, we got to talking about sex life and poly, he mentioned he was interested in an MMF and that he was pretty sure the other woman he sees would be pleased to have a threesome with me and him, and it became clear that the other woman he's seeing is in fact New Girl. I said "her name wouldn't be New Girl? Username-on-site?" and he was like "yeah!" I said "J went out with her, and we all had a threesome once" and he's like "I've heard about you guys!"

Now, this could be a bad moment. WHY had he heard about us? I said "do me a favor - tell me what you heard, and please be honest. I was weird when I met her [I explained the reasons later] and I'm afraid I scared her off." He said no, she'd just mentioned this engaged guy and she'd seen him a couple times and had a threesome with his fiancee who didn't seem that into it. I told him it was too bad I made that impression, but I would totally have another threesome with her. I do think that if I had one with her and J wasn't included he might feel left out, so I'm mindful of that. It's not like he'd be unavailable... he's free almost all the time.

M asked if I wanted him to mention my conversation with him about New Girl and J with New Girl when he spoke with her and I said sure, why not. I also told J how she'd mentioned him (and me) to M and she really fancies him, since she liked him enough to mention him to this guy she's seen once.

Lo and behold, New Girl texted J yesterday and they're seeing each other today! J came home horny and down to fuck last night and fucked me well (even though I was needed to be asleep, since I had the early shift today), he had weird sexy dreams all night and was nice and hard when I woke up (sadly, I didn't have a chance to take advantage of it, I was in a rush because of the early shift).

The sex last night was a bit odd because J started climbing all over me while I was telling him about my discussions with M and he wanted me to keep telling him about M, which I found distracting. I wasn't planning to think about M while we were having sex, let alone have coherent conversation, which requires I change my focus from what he's doing to my physical form while my brain does the work. I'd rather have just had the sex, then the talking.

So anyhow, I feel like I've done a good deed by getting them back to seeing each other again, or at least back on each others' radars. J was wasting time on someone for a while that was making him unavailable but he's not doing that any more, and I hope they have a rip roaring good time today. :D

I told J that I'd be meeting M tonight and he asked this morning what we're doing. I said I had no idea but I was pretty sure there would be sex. He expressed some surprise and said "you're that into him already?" I said "yes. and plus, I'm working from a deficit, I'm trying to make up for that." And he sounds like he's going to be LOTS of fun!


Oct. 10th, 2012 08:24 am
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
I'm reading the book "slow sex" and I've come across a physical position that seems impossible. I wonder what I'm missing. maybe you can help me out.

This isn't a position for sex per se; it is a position in which the man and touch and please his partner.

The way it is described, the woman is laying back with her legs spread open and pillows under her knees.

The man is described as sitting on her left with his left leg over her belly and his right leg under her knees.

I don't understand how he can do that if he is sitting upright - his legs would have to be crossed and spread far apart, wouldn't they? Maybe he is facing the mattress? But then he cannot access the part of her body they're wanting him to access with his hands.

What am I missing?
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
I'd asked for the metamour's email address. D had been a little worried but hadn't asked why I wanted it, he just gave it to me - a straight answer for once! :) I only wanted to get the password for their WiFi, which he didn't know, but he admitted later he'd been worried. If it'd been J, he wouldn't have left me alone until he knew. I'm glad D wasn't like that.

She offered to be a translator so I can understand her husband. :) I said that'd be great, but she's usually not around when we're talking. She said, which I knew, "I do know he likes you a lot, but has been trying to figure you out too, so I think it's just that you're using two different means of communication..." I agree. He says he likes me a lot - I'm not sure how well he actually knows me, but it's entirely possible that since I answer his questions, maybe he knows me better than I know him. :P

She and I also took a while to talk about her favorite hobby, something D and J and I used to be involved in but we haven't been involved for a while. D and I are really not interested in talking about it. J knows some of the same people the metamour does, so they had a nice chat about that which left D and I out completely. But hey, if this makes her feel more comfortable talking to me since we actually have something to talk about, I can talk about it for a little while. She said she's been "gently encouraging" D to get involved in the hobby again. I think she should stop; he's told me he has no interest in going, he doesn't want to deal with all the new people she wants him to meet, and I don't think she should try to make him. But she really does seem to have his best interests at heart in at least one respect, she isn't just doing it out of selfish reasons. I just left it alone because it's not my place to butt in.

Things I learned from the metamour )

She and I are going to chat again, get better acquainted. Maybe she can be a translator, if she likes. Normally I'd say "you butt out of my shit and I'll butt out of yours" but what could it hurt if his wife likes me? As long as it isn't TOO much... ;)
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
Past business: the Day of Debauchery had to be rescheduled due to unexpected results on the STD test. J had an infection which left us both with a week of antibiotics and two weeks of abstention. What a waste of a four-day weekend!

Current business: I'm getting in an interesting chat with a potential metamour about how to communicate with her husband, the guy I've been seeing. I'm very blunt and straightforward. I have trouble with his communication style, which is neither of those things. I find it frustrating when I ask him a question and want an answer and what I get is a non-answer, whether that's because he's just being really vague or decides that's the perfect time to make a joke. I don't think that this is something that's likely to change. He's said that's just who he is, he's the guy who makes a joke first instead of answering the question. But it makes it really hard for me to get to know somebody if I can't find out actual information!

I don't want to be frustrated with him. He's a nice guy, and we get along well in some respects [not just when we're naked]. But after being with J so long, I'm really not used to being with someone who is so frustrating because we don't click the same way that J and I do. J and I are like two sides of a zipper and when we're pulled together, we make a great whole. We're very companionable.

Sure, he can be annoying. Last night as we were going to sleep, I thought of something funny and laughed, and as usual, he wouldn't rest until I'd explained the entire backstory to him. The thought process was "what if Ben Affleck had been in 'Rent'? --> I dont' even know if he can sing --> remember Jimmy Kimmel presenting Affleck as his mantoy in a tight shirt? that was funny --> laugh out loud." But J never heard of the whole Sarah Silverman f**@#ing Matt Damon vid from back when she was with Jimmy Kimmel + Jimmy Kimmel's rebuttal so I had to explain ALL That to him for him to understand why I chuckled.

With the new fellow, D, maybe his wife can give me a little advice to getting the kinds of answers from him I want. Or just how to cope with not getting the answers at all. Hm.
tuneinturnon: me in corset and garter belt and stockings (no head) (corset)
J and I decided that Friday should be a Day of Debauchery. We need to get a little down and dirty. The most debauched things we can think of, we'll just spend all day in bed doing them. There are a couple other things on our To Do list - get tested for STDs and purchase a particular toy that I'm hoping will make the day much more fun.

Assignment before then is - think of debauched things to do Friday. The thing is, I'm actually having trouble thinking up things debauched enough to do. As soon as we said debauchery, my mind went to things we both think are disgusting (santorum, for example). That won't play.

Bearing in mind that we're not into scat/golden showers, blood play, humiliation or pain but are into some (what most people would call "light") bondage, I'm stuck trying to think of what we could do. It's going to be totally counter to the purpose of the day for us to play with someone else, since we'd spend the whole day trying to find someone else to play with instead of actually playing ourselves.

Ideas? Suggestions? Anonymous commenting is on. :)
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
I'm listening to a book that I thought would help me at work and maybe help me have a more positive attitude about life. (Yes, I love self-help books. *hangs head in mock shame*) Now that I'm an hour into it, I'm finding that the meat of it may actually help me with a poly problem I've been having.

I have had a negative reaction to seeing J engage in PDA with other women. The exception was Plaything, a woman we were both sleeping with. I was amazed that it wasn't bothering me at all when she'd hug and kiss him (and vice versa) in front of me and that I was able to be happy for him. I'd hoped that me not being bothered by her was a sign that I was over it, but apparently I'm not.

The other night when J's new *[see below] was over and she got close to him, and I was bothered by it. My response was to leave. I didn't want to make her feel awkward when it's my problem. Since he & I communicate and care about one another, once she'd left, I told him I was bothered by it. He said he'd suspected as much.

I said to him "given that this has bothered me again and again, as much as I hate to ask, please do not be physically affectionate with your partners in front of me and please ask them to refrain too." He said he would.

But he also said I'd better get used to it since I'm going to be around sometimes when things like that happen. That didn't really go with saying he would refrain, but I could see his point.

This book I'm listening to is about how you can choose how you respond to situations - you can step back from yourself, observe it, see if you feel the same way when you see it objectively, and decide what you want to do. You can ask yourself questions to encourage your mind to get out of negative mode, questions like "what are the other people in this situation thinking, feeling and wanting? what are my choices? what's best to do now? what's possible?"

I'm not saying these are a guarantee to get me over my discomfort, but it's worth a shot. I can certainly ask - I'd be curious what he'd have to say, at least, about what he's thinking, feeling and wanting in a situation like that. What does anyone think when they put their arm around someone? What are my choices, besides (a) put up and shut up or (b) leave the environment? What is the best choice I can make at that moment? [For example, I think choosing not to ask them to stop just because I felt weird was a good choice. If we'd been in the middle of doing something where I had to stay, like if we were mid-meal, then I think I would have said something to them about it at the time... It's depending on circumstances.] It's possible, and reasonable, to ask for their consideration and respect; it would not be possible or reasonable to try to "make" them stop doing what I don't like.

* I don't know what to call his partner because they have only just recently met. They clearly intend to keep seeing one another, at least as far as I know. I wouldn't say they're involved enough to be "dating", certainly not enough that she's his "girlfriend" or "secondary". I suppose I could just call her his "lover," that's true enough, but it falls a bit flat. I lack vocabulary. What would you call someone like that? Am I ascribing too much import to "dating" or "seeing someone" - would that really be the most appropriate term?
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
I wanted to clarify: I'm not trying to make everyone in the world realize that non-monogamy is the natural order of things or anything like that.

Polyamory isn't the answer for everyone. Monogamy and asexuality and other models are perfectly valid options.

I'd just like people who are monogamous to have chosen monogamy because they've actually put some thought into it and not just because monogamy is the default.

Untold thousands of spouses cheat on their partners, so why not actually examine if you want to be monogamous if not, choose to be ethically non-monogamous?

Maybe I am a crusader, for a greater quantity of ethical behavior in the world, generally speaking.

Opening Up

Aug. 20th, 2012 01:47 pm
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
I have the audiobook of "Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” by Tristan Taormino, so I can "read" it while I'm at work.

I unpinned it from the top of the journal because it's annoying to have to scroll past this for the new stuff every time. :)

Chapter 2 has a long self-evaluation and she suggests that if you're considering a non-monogamous relationship, you should think about and possibly journal about these questions or discuss them in therapy.

There are lots of questions, so I just transcribed them, and I'm going to answer them as I have time. I'm sort of pinning this post to the top of my timeline until I'm done.

What are your beliefs about monogamy?

If you've been in monogamous relationships before, how did you feel in those relationships, and how did they work (or not work) for you?

Do you believe that someone can love, be in love with, more than one person at a time?

What role does sex play in your relationships? How important is it to you? What does it mean to you?

Can you have sex without an emotional attachment? How are sex and love related or not related?

Have you ever had a fuck buddy or a Friend With Benefits? What worked and didn't work about the relationship?

If you're currently in a relationship: what is the state of the relationship? Does it feel stable and secure?

What are your most common conflicts with your partner? Do both partners want to explore a different structure?

Do you have sexual needs, desires and fantasies that aren't being fulfilled?

Imagine your partner having sex with another person. It’s important to be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like. What feelings does that bring up? What would be your worst fear? What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like? What would be an absolute deal breaker?

Imagine your partner having a relationship with another person. It’s important to be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like. What feelings does that bring up? What would be your worst fear? What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like? What would be an absolute deal breaker?

How do you handle feelings?

Do you consider yourself a jealous person? How do you handle intense feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment?

Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them to others? When something is bothering you, do you more often keep it to yourself or share it? Do you have the ability to communicate openly and honestly, even about difficult issues? When conflict arises, how do you usually handle it?

How available are you? Do you have the time to nurture and grow more than one love relationship? Do you have the energy to devote to several different people and juggle multiple lovers? Do you have access to potential partners who have non-monogamy experience and strong relationship skills?

Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to be in an open relationship?
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
One thing I don't like about the Ethical Slut just came to light.

I was looking there for guidance, and they say, "just because your partner is bothered by something doesn't mean you're obligated to fix it."

No, I suppose in the most technical sense, you aren't obligated to fix it.

But if you love the person you're with, you want to be considerate of them, I'd think. You'd want to do what you can to not make them unhappy, and certainly not do things that actively make them unhappy, if it's within your power.

So sure, your partner needs to "own their shit", as we say. They shouldn't say "it's your fault that I feel bad!"

But they can say "I have a problem with this thing you're doing" and your response ought to be something along the lines of "let's see what we can work out so we're both comfortable with the outcome," not (as many would do) respond with "don't blame me for your problems!"
tuneinturnon: shirt being pulled down sexily (Default)
OK, not completely different, but not about polyamory, exactly.

There's a thing in the news this week lately about Robert Pattinson (age 26) and Kristen Stewart (age 22) breaking up because she cheated on him. If you don't know, they're actors in some popular films. She did a different movie and slept with the director, Rupert Saunders (age 41), a married man with two children.

I'm finding it a fascinating study on how cheating is viewed in our society. I have some remarks )

Discuss. :)
tuneinturnon: poly charms self-primary pendant (poly charms)
J wanted to write a writing exercise with me, to see if we can write together. I have no aspirations to be an author, but I certainly write, as you good readers know. So he set as our topic "Polyamory: the good, the bad and the crazy" - he actually had the name of someone we know as the third element but I changed it to "crazy" to make it more anonymous.

This could be a very very long essay, and it'll probably be broken up into bits and pieces, which professionals would probably call "installments." :) I gave a sort of talk last month - I was on a panel where polyamory came up and I had some really interesting reailzations about what I believe and why I'm poly and so on. I've been halfheartedly re-reading "The Ethical Slut", since I have it as an ebook and I can read ebooks at work on my phone without being obvious but I can't bring in "Opening Up" or "Love Unlimited" without people saying "you're not supposed to be reading a book, what are you doing?" What I wouldn't give to have "Opening Up" as an audiobook! Anyway... someone I've just started seeing is reading it for the first time (I think) so I was looking it over again, and so much of what the book says mirrors what I was saying last month but I never realized it at the time.
Read more... )
I see my bad outweighs my crazy and my good by a lot here, so I need to work on the good and the crazy parts more. Out of time for now, though.
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Those following me on Twitter tonight watched me have a tough time at a social event. I was feeling insecure because, well, I just do sometimes. I'm an introvert, I have to make a great deal of effort to interact with people at social events in general, and I realized in the long deconstruction of it after J and I got home that nobody else at this thing is making an effort to get to know me, like even asking me what I do for a living or anything. While J says they're perfectly nice people who I'd have a lot to talk about with, I'm doing ALL the work when trying to make conversation with people. Nobody seems to want to get to know me. So that makes me feels uninteresting and worse about myself.

Then there was a situation where there were a couple women there who J was interested in or had crushes on (or just thought he had a shot with and was attracted to, I'm not even entirely certain). detail of how things went badly for me )

So now we get to the lessons learned. I was very clear with him when I said "what are we going to do to make sure this doesn't end up happening again? I don't want to end up angry and hurt, and you don't want me to either." to which he readily agreed.

I said "give me a heads up if you're going into this kind of conversation", since I didn't have a clue either time he did it this weekend and got an unpleasant shock at least once.

I said that I'm going to change my expectations of these events. When J and I go to a swinger's party, I expect that we might get laid, either separately or together, and if someone wants to take him off by himself, I can figure out how to make my own fun. So it's probably best for me to assume that from the moment we walk in, either of us might be getting propositioned or in sexual situations at any time so I'll consider myself pre-warned. I'm going to make my best effort at it.

Lastly, we established that, to quote C.J. Cregg from "The West Wing", "Before, now, in the future, anytime you’re into something and you don’t know what. And you can’t tell me that you thought there was nothing to it.... Anytime you’re into something and you don’t know what, you don’t keep it from me. I’m your first phone call." In other words, what I want to see in future similar situations is that he enters the room, he makes a beeline to me as quickly as reasonably possible, he interrupts what I'm doing and asks if he can have a word away from everyone else, and he lets me know what just happened so I'm not caught completely off guard. Because I really hated being surprised by this news tonight, but more importantly, I really hated not hearing it from him.

And I've just thought of something else - I fear this is totally going to fan the flames of my "I wanna have a crush on someone!" longing. Bah.
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I was inspired by one of my partners who has developed an interest in exploring his bi-curiosity to revisit a book that I swear I own but if I do still have it, it's in a box and I can't find it - Lou Paget's awesome "How to Be a Great Lover". I believe this is the book that taught me how to give a great hand job and also that the 2 o'clock spot is the most sensitive on a woman's clit. I might be wrong about those recollections, but anyway, I duly hopped on my local library website to request Lou Paget for my lover. While I was on there, I started investigating books on male orgasm and male sexual behavior and requesting other books I thought my lover might be interested in - the joys of gay sex and the like, things that wouldn't pertain to me at all. I then branched out and requested a book called "Light Her Fire" by Ellen Kreidman since I very much enjoyed the one for the women readers, which is called "Light His Fire" - this is a relationship book, not a sex book.

Then I stopped and realized that I was doing the work for him.

He can go look at books if he's interested. Or not, if he isn't. He doesn't need me feeding him all this stuff. I went back and cancelled half the requests I'd made. I kept the one on Lou's book, because it's a great book, and I kept things like "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner, which I could get something from as well, but anything that was mainly for him as a bi-curious/gay man, I cancelled those. If he wants to do research, he can do it. He doesn't need me to dump a pile of books he never asked for in his lap on the subject.

He never asked me to do that - I just did it. It's kind of bothering me that I did that, that I behaved that way by default. This is a far cry from teaching someone how to swim by throwing them in the deep end without any water wings on, but if I keep doing things like this, I'll grow to resent it and he'll grow to rely on it more, so I'll feel like I HAVE to as opposed to doing it because I WANTED to, which will make me feel unappreciated... it's a whole cycle. So it ends here.

And now, it's very late my time, I took half an Ambien ages ago and haven't fallen asleep yet so I really need to give it the old college try, as they say. Night.

good news

18 May. 18th, 2012 11:54 pm
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To deviate from the sex theme: I'm more miserable now than I was a year ago and it just gets worse daily. My 'friends' & family say they're surprised it took this long. I thought things would work our and I was wrong and short-sighted as usual. My "best friend" suggested I live alone so despite all the other stress I won't have the whe "my life pays for your life@ disparity bugging me, but he's a man who has never had a romantic partnership. Without J I'd be more miserable & lonely than I am now, especially because I'd have to cook & take sole care of the dog again. I think the good outweighs the bad most days. This was a pretty disappointing weekend personally, though.

J at least managed to stay awake long enough to console me until I stopped crying because it just doesn't seem worth the effort, & now he's snoring away. I will be soon too - I took Ambien along with extra Klonopin to deal with extra anxiety tomorrow. (J and the New Girl have a date while I'm at work.) so my eyes are barely open. I bid you adieu.
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